Tuesday, March 31, 2009

And also...

This, right here, is my favourite post on any blog - ever.

Check it out! ^_^ Clickity click!

"Start it off with a Positive Jam"

I'm feeling more like myself today than I have in a long time. It's great! I took the night off work - yes, I'm down €50, and no, I can't work another night to make it up... but Who. Fucking. Cares.
I had a night off and it felt great.

Bowm Baahow-wowm pah bow'wowm bah dap waaaow... Positive Jam's stuck in my head and I loooove it...

I felt so, so sick and tired earlier. I wasn't even in work for very long - I was so dreading the idea of it, doubled over with a migraine for most of the morning, and I couldn't face going in 'till the afternoon. On my way in, I text a friend and thank GOD he said he'd cover for me tonight because I just couldn't face it.

I don't think I seemed too out of sorts, though. A little, but not nearly as much as I felt; which is always a triumph.

Right now though, I'm anything but out of sorts. Tonight was... therapeutic! And badly needed!

The typing seems to be keeping my roommate up, so I'll keep this short.

I tidied my room this evening. And I mean, REALLY. Reorganised everything, found stuff I forgot I owned, tried on clothes I can't remember even buying, cleaned out all the crap - I now know where everything is, I feel good, and I did it ALL listening to a playlist of what was my favourite music for years!

Old metal albums, bitta Floyd (although I kept skipping to the next song about a minute in - they bore me when I'm not "in the mood" for them, if ya know what I mean!) Lots of Punkins.. love them... bit of old skool punk and chillies and a whole host of surprises from the dozens of old mix cds I made/received over the years that have some of the most bizarre music on'm - God I miss this stuff!

Also, favourite album at the moment? The Hold Steady - Almost Killed Me. Where has this band been all my life?!

For my 21st back in November I got €50 of HMV vouchers and bought CDs for the first time since I was 16. And, feeling a little adventurous, decided I'd go for stuff that I had an inkling I'd like, but that was different to what I'd usually listen to. I didn't allow myself pick up any album by any band who I could name a song by.

So, as well as that fanTAStic CD, I got Narrow Stairs by Death Cab for Cutie (it's ok - I don't LOVE it though... anyone else think the singer's very Placebo-ey?)
And Love's Forever Changes that a friend recommended aaaages ago and that I'd been meaning to check out (didn't strike the chord with me that he insisted it would, but still, happy with my purchase. Different. Very different. And I love different.)

I forgot how much I like music.

I wanna watch Almost Famous again.

I should get that DVD.

God I'm in a great mood. :) I'd forgotten myself in all the busy hectic dramatic bullcrap. More nights off. More music. More gigs, too.. Thursday was fan-fucking-tabulous.

Yes, I hate that word too, but I used "fantastic" earlier and didn't realise till I'd already typed the "fan" part and had to go somewhere with it!



PS - got meself a webcam. I'm thinkin of giving this "Vlogging" lark a go. Any tips?

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I ought....

... quit drinking.

Just to see.


Friday, March 27, 2009


"This Lady here was wondering..."

woah woah - back up. Lady?!

What happened to Girl?
I think the first time I realised I wasn't "girl" anymore was when someone in a Walmart in Florida said, "Can I help you ma'am?"

Ma'am? I'm not a ma'am! I must've been around 16.
I laughed - must be an American thing...
But it wasn't long 'till I started getting it at home, too.

Mother on street to kid: "Now, let the lady get by."

OH! And the worst yet?
"Where would you like to sit, madam?"

Madam my ARSE. I don't even think my Mum's old enough to warrant "Madam."

What's my age-bracket now... 21-35, right? My God that's a wide box. Imagining where I'll be when I tick the NEXT box is dizzying.

I still remember watching Saved by the Bell and thinking how COOL 16 year olds were and how I would NEVER get to 16. It seemed a lifetime away.

And, y'know, all things considered, my 16th year WAS pretty Sweet.
My first love... Wow. So many good memories... I hope he's well.
I'd found my first "real" friendships since moving to Limerick. (About time!)
My first biiiiiig gig! Metallica! :D Had a soft spot for anything heavy since.
I got my confidence, my happiness, and EVERYTHING back. Badder than ever. Me again. (Well, gradually! But it all started that year.)

Shit. I know there was more. But it won't come to me. Well, it's been a long week.
And it's Friday and I've just finished work and my back is killing me but I'm gonna pop out to meet some Limerick buddies that're here in Dubsville on some sort of college trip (or convention or something).

Really though, 21? When did THAT happen? Where'd all those years go?

I think I knew I was definately An Adult™ was when I got my loan. I'm in debt! And probably will be for most of the rest of my life.

All in all, though, it's exciting. This time next year I'll be nearly finished college. I'll probably have had SOMETHING published (hopefully! Should get onto that.) I'll have built up loads more experience (fingers crossed!) I might even have already decided my next move.

Knowing me? Nah! If anything, I'll be MORE clueless. I'll take a wild stab in the dark and end up somewhere completely unexpected and drive my parents a little bit loopier - but they'll laugh too 'cos it tends to work out for me. Bizarrely.

I mean, Journalism? Changed my mind 20 minutes before the absolute, last minute, online deadline for the change-of-mind CAO (College Application) Form. SO last minute was I, that I didn't even get a reply; seems the server JUST processed it, then closed up.


Anyway. Even though, a few days ago, I tweeted that "I think I've aged since last week" (true!), it's not so bad. I may be An Adult™, but I've decided I am NOT "old" until I stop getting ID-ed while buying cigarettes.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I'm awake.

.. at 6.24am.

Fuck this. You must be joking,

Monday, March 23, 2009

I have till 4am.

Missed my bus and have to stay up to grab one at 4am. Grr.
For once there’s a point to me stayin up till 4!

And no, I can't just go to sleep and get up again - because I know me and I will NOT get up again.

So, hello blog. Fancy keeping me company while I wait?

Y'know… nightbus might be lovely. Dark, silence… the uninterrupted 3’na’bit hours of solitude that makes me look forward to the bus… bit of a nap, watch the sun come up… Nice.

The weekend was… nice. Limerick’s always a bit of a mental, rushed blur. So many people, so little time to see them – rarely get to spend REAL time with any of them. And usually spend most of my Limerick weekends asleep/braindead on couch thinking “my GOD I’m tired… more tea…”

I should try get home more often. Easier said than done, though.

I’m looking forward to the summer – to (hopefully) finding a full-time job in Limerick and re-acquainting myself with the less fair of my two cities.

I hated this place from the moment I moved here. I needed to go to Dublin on my own. I needed to get up, get out, and prove to myself that… well… I dunno.

I needed to prove myself to myself. Prove that I could do it – make a fresh start in a new city and not eff up. Prove all the crap when I moved here wasn’t my fault, but theirs. Prove I deserved better, and start new.

Is it any wonder I got hell in school? Moving to such a famously snobby area? Dickheads.


And glittering Dublin was gonna change everything – full of opportunity and adventure. And that’s JUST what happened! And I love my new city – it’s everything I imagined, and more. But… I won’t claim I’m not tiring of it.

And, recently, I'm really starting to miss home - and fast approaching is the day when I can't pretend I live here anymore.

Y’know what I hate? Accidentally hitting “Insert”.

It’s been a nice weekend. Very little is left of all that “nonsense” that’s been going on for the past while. Few rumbles and glimpses of it here and there, but for the most part… All’s quiet… Thank God for that.
I know it’s not "fixed" – by no means is it over either. But it’s… settled. And that’s much easier on everyone than the crazed volatility I’ve come home to for months.

No one seems angry anymore. The space *she* created is doing everyone good – like I knew it would.

That’s a great thing about my family – we’re all quite hot-tempered… but it blows over quickly, and thoroughly. If you’d seen us today, you’d never know.

No, the anger has exhausted itself. I think we’re all a bit sadder, though. And I hate the house this… tidy… uncluttered… quiet.

Highlights of Weekend:
My first "foot bath" experience. I've always thought they were just for girlie girls. But it was heavenly and I don't care.

Movie nights - Friday and tonight - with Mam and Dad, with pizza and oceans of tea.

Free Guinness in the Old Quater Pub during the AMAZING Ireland v Wales match. My God. Best deal ever. No wonder I was hammered.

UNDEFEATED! GRAND SLAM! SIX NATIONS! AAAAAGH! I will remember that match as long as I live. Voice finally coming back - spent whole game roaring (espesh second half - fuck me!)

The food at R's dad's 50th - wow.

Chocolate Brownie - I was disappointed with the main course of today's mothers' day meal in Texas Steak House, but the desert was....*drool* (fyi - I'm NOT a picky eater. So, trust me, Lasagna must have been very, very bad for me not to eat it.)

PS - hope you enjoy strange scribble i added to post. Wanted to brighten it up with something. Couldn't think of shit. So! Tah-freakin'-dah.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

My PostSecret. And why I'm "a sucker"

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - Romans 7:15

Found this quote on PostSecret (in someone's reply to one of the cards)... Didn't bother checking if the reference is right. I always like to double-check any quote I lift from someone else.

But it's 3 in the morning and I'm sipping sherry.


I've been daydreaming today about what I'd put on my PostSecret card, if I were to make one... (I had a 3 hour bus ride to myself, ok?) Something so secret it had to be completely anonymous... I started thinking of all sorts of stuff - so much that I toyed with the idea of starting an anonymous blog.

But what's the point of that?

The reason I started this thing was to get over my fear of other people reading my stuff. I was never good at writing letters to people - I'd be happy with them at the time of writing, but I actually asked one or two people to throw out letters I sent them after reading them. Once was nerve-wracking enough - but the thought of it sitting there, for them to re-read at their leisure... *shudder*

That was then - this is now! And I'm getting cooler with it. Slowly. Still get a bit of a gut-wrenching "eek!"-sensation when anyone IRL says they've seen/read/heard about my blog..

But, look at me now! Post number 60, I think? (Around that, anyway!) Far more if you count the many many I deleted (when cold-feet feeling came back)

Yes, so, anon-blog = no help towards that, in any case.

Anyway, I was thinking of how O said I'm a sucker for punishment the other day.
How can I argue? I mightn't like to think so, but I kinda always have been.
I mean, check out this crap - I wrote that over 5 years ago, I think! I was in a similar spot of bother, convinced (just like now) that it was all worth it. That moment, "that" feeling - brief, pointless, empty (as it turns out), but... exciting, right? :)

Someday I'll get some sort of smacht ar mo chuid impulsive rash antics... Someday I'll realise that situations like this, though irresistible to me (ar fáth éigin) are... Silly. No good. Undesirable.
Bad, even!

... Not yet, though.

"I do not understand what I do..." -- but I kinda like it that way.

Friday, March 20, 2009


It's sick, and I shouldn't be so delighted by it, but I just stumbled across a person's Facebook page and LMAO-ed. It's someone who bullied me in primary school - and now they're FAT.

I shouldn't laugh. By their page, they seem like they've become quite a nice person (they had to develop a personality I guess... being FAT and all)

Also, we were all kids (before some of us got FAT) - and kids are stupid and don't MEAN what they're doing. At that age, no one expects the comments they make to affect a person's future - who even thinks about that?

I forgave them all the day of that ceremony they held in my Secondary school for the boy in my year who killed himself. I remember the moment that all that anger left me. A person (who gave me a far worse time than fatty ever did) was in bits crying... and, as I passed (having never spoken to them in years despite being in school together) put my arm on theirs and said something I can't remember.

And they said;
"Sound, Aoife."
And really meant it.

It hit me then; how dumb I was being holding onto that anger for so long. What did it matter?

This person, like fatty, was only one of many who contributed to the bullshit - and I know, I know; one has to take responsibility for the way one deals with things. Yes, it was cruel, yes, it was incessant, and yes, I nearly changed schools because of it (Pride stopped me) And, yes... I lost myself and didn't come back for a long, long time.

But, I grew from it. And, in a lot of ways, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sounds like a cliche, but I'm stronger for it - and miles more confident now than I might otherwise have been. I made some of the best friends I'll ever have, too.

I could've hidden, or gotten rid of, my quirky weird oddness that made them laugh at me. I could've pretended I was someone else. I could've been a sheep like so many of them were. I could've had a much less interesting life.

Maybe I wouldn't have developed my insatiable drive to prove myself. Maybe I wouldn't know myself as well as I do now were it not for years spent as an introvert.

I wouldn't change a damn thing about my life. Because who I am, and where I'm at, today, is AWESOME. Even the crap stuff, the hard times, the heartaches, the (terrible) mistakes, the lowest moments of my life, the losses, the embarrassments, the guilt, the shame, the hurt... It's all a part of me. As much a part of me as any of my successes.

So, thanks! (.... fatty.)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

What's in a dream?

I don’t believe in dream interpretation or similar hippy-crap, but I just woke up and would LOVE some opinions on last night’s mental dream.

I’m collecting money at the door to some event, that’s in some sort of weird run-down castle – but the background’s pixellated like an old N64 game… No. More like the first Tomb Raider for PC. The tickets I’m selling are bright, bright pink and people keep passing them around to let other people in.

The event’s like, a book launch – or, well, that’s how it started out... The guy running it was the cute bodhrán player from the gig last night – I think he was supposed to have wrote the book or something..?

I open the book and, for the first 3/4s of it, it’s a fairly normal-looking encyclopaedia-style book –about a fictional museum. Everything’s in it! All the fictional artefacts, the architecture of the building, the non-existent history of the building, even the people who work there and all the visitors. Big colourdy pictures – kinda like one of those children’s nature books. Know the ones I mean?

Then the last few pages are a play – set in the museum – but it doesn’t seem too interesting; it’s literally just about a bunch of weird character’s experience in the museum; taking a tour, stopping at the cafe, strolling round the bookshop, talking shite, in baaaadly attempted accents and costumes that were waaay over-the-top..

There was such a buzz that ALL my friends (from school, college, work) heard about it and arrived. Everyone decided to perform the play immediately (the book was such a smash) and no one would let me join in. My mum left early, so I took her book and started flicking through it while everyone got changed into their mad outfts. I’d no interest in it anyway – but I saw in the book that there was one particularly interesting artefact – a big freakin’ independence-day style alien in some sort of plastic restraint/display-box thing.

Oh yeah, at this point all the stuff was real. Dreams, eh?

So I run off to find it – how cool?! And everyone’s giving out and roarin’ at me ‘cos I’m supposed to be letting people in and the crowd’s getting bigger… but I don’t care! I finally find it and it’s the coolest thing ever. Not moving. Presumably dead. I just gawked at it, and someone (my brother/cousin? Don’t remember) suggests I “plug it in.” Low and behold there’s a remarkably normal-looking cable and plug coming out of the alien’s armoured wrist, and I plug him in to a conveniently close socket.

And then it comes to life and tries to kill everyone.
Actually, it only seems to be chasing me… no one else seems to notice and are goin’ about their business practicing the play and talking shite about how incredible it is. Whenever I pass any of them (fleeing from giant alien shooting lasers at me and making shit of the Tomb-Raider-y background) they shout after me “Hey! Get back on the door!” And I shouted back “I just have to sort this out first – gimme two minutes.”

Bodhrán boy is especially annoyed at me, and my friends who can’t get in – all glaring at me but no one helping, but that’s cool ‘cos if they helped the alien would see them (or so was my logic in the dream) – and it was me plugged it in. I was just like, fuck sake, can’t someone else let people in??

I woke up before I sorted the alien out.


Thursday, March 12, 2009


Shit-Damn-Bollox-Arse-FUCK THIS!

That was very stupid.

... Oh well...

What now, though?

RrrrrRRRRGH! I'm soooooo tiiiiiired ooooooof thiiiiiis...

Monday, March 09, 2009

Who's laughing now?

"I laugh at everything (Well, almost)"

I wrote that^ in my profile on Bebo years ago when I first set it up. I've copied and pasted a similar version of the same spiel on roundabout every profile since. I stopped thinking about what I was pasting.

It's on my blogger profile. --->
I look at that line today, and feel like I should remove it.

When I wrote it, it was true, but I wouldn't write it today.

I'm not less happy - I'm very content at the moment!
Just... less carefree, I guess? Significantly less free time too. And... ay... so tired....

Off to bed then!

Tuesday, March 03, 2009


This place gets more mental every day!

Right, so, was in college for about 40minutes today helping out with a big society thing (would have loved to have stayed longer) and, when about to leave to go back to work, said "sorry lads I really gotta be getting home"

Home?! Could be a slip of the tongue (like in primary school when you accidentally called your teacher mom) or... well... could have something to do with the 12+ hours a day I'm spending here! Doing your (un-freakin'-paid) work experience in the same place you already work part-time isn't something I'd recommend.

I thrive on being busy and, ok, most days I really love this, and I especially love the work I've been doing with the radio and everything (www.raidiorira.ie!!) ... but I can't help missing what things were like before Christmas; I'd work hard, and play harder, haha... I was busy and stressed, but had it all under control - comfortably enough to still go out and go crazy 3 or 4 times a week.. to still have some free time to speak of. Time for friends too! Think that's the main reason I haven't felt like myself. I like my own company, but not SO MUCH of it.

But, hey, it's better to feel like you've too much going on than too little, right?


Speaking of too much going on... one particular project still hasn't quite gotten off the ground. And it's frustrating, and I'm sure it would probably never come to much even if it did happen... But it's not worth worrying about anymore. I tried. What more can I do? It's not my fault it's not "happening". And I know for a fact that, even in the best-case scenario, it would be more time-consuming than absolutely everything else put together. And I would have even less time for friends/self.

Then again... it might make things easier in another sense.

GrrrrRRR. Headache. That's it. Enough. I've wasted enough time wondering about it and weighing it up. Done. Hands washed of it. Was always a bad idea. Back to drawing board. Different plan. Shiny new plan. (hehe..)

Ní freakin' fiú é. :D