Thursday, October 31, 2013

In the Moment

At the moment, I'm on lunch in work.

I work with computers now - all day, fairly zonked-out in front of a screen.  When approached, I'm always a little flustered, a little startled for a minute... then they're gone and I get sucked right back in.

Before I started this job (over a year ago), I used to work in pubs, in retail, at events... always with people.  Always awake and "on" and alert and engaged.  I also used to study with, and around, people.  Granted, given a college project, or anything else like that, I could get just as thoroughly sucked-in as I do, daily, now... the difference is that it was rarely for such a large portion of my day.

Now, it's almost all day, almost every day, and it's harder to shake off.  After work, instead of needing to switch off, I am already off.  I remain off.  I need to get better at switching back on.

It's something I've only noticed, and grown concerned about, recently. With friends, I've found myself a little less tuned-in than I know I should be.  I listen, of course I do, but sometimes it's just that.  Only that. It's nearly an effort to contribute, to participate.  I find I feel less energetic, less lively, and less chatty, more often.  Alone, I find I'm so spaced-out sometimes that someone asking for a lighter, some change, or a friend saying hello in the street, can be equally as startling as when I'm disturbed in work.  The unexpected disturbs me - I blink and realise I haven't really been there, here, now...  Not consciously, anyway.

At the moment, I'm trying to be more mindful of it.  It's working.  Sometimes it's just a matter of shaking my head to wake up a bit, or consciously staring someone in the face as they talk.  It's easy.  Once I snap out of being out of it, I stay that way for a bit.  It's also too easy to forget to do in the first place, though.

I'm also engaging with the news again.  Well, reading it, anyway.  Me and the news had a nasty end - a bit of a falling-out, I guess... But I enjoy it again.  It's a nice way to remind yourself to stay connected and to care.  It's also helping me engage more - I've more to say for those gaps where I run out of boring things to say about how today, at work, was exactly the same (pretty much) as yesterday, at work.  As was last week.  And all of the weeks and months before.

A friend, most likely the only remaining reader of this thing, reminded me about this blog last night.  I'd forgotten about it.  But, in this moment, I felt it would be a good idea to post again.  It's taken a few minutes, and I've spent those minutes thinking about this "in the moment" business.  Writing about the current moment is kind of another way of being even more in the moment.  Acknowledging it, or something.

So, for the moment, the blog's back.