Thursday, October 22, 2009

Mar fhocal scoir...

I’m sorry.

I was stupid. The first time, I guess those silly cries for attention were… well… exactly that. Another time, another place; a bad place. Pathetic, really, but fitting. Because I was pretty pathetic.

The second time… well, I never thought I’d resort to such childishness again. I’ve never acted like that before. Pathetic. But, I guess, “drunk me” (the “me” who sometimes fights the rest of me) was crying out… for attention? A desperate attempt, maybe, to admit that I really cared. ‘Cos, God knows, I’d never admit it sober. Or even drunk, it seems. Instead, I tried to obscure it – the urge to send, do, say something was too strong – so I tried to mask it with “accidental” nonsense. Pathetic.

My biggest problem was that I never trusted you. Not for a second. I wanted to, but, after every good night, good conversation, I’d go home and sleep would escape me. I couldn’t just enjoy it. I poisoned it, and my memory of it all, with doubt and fear. (Ugh, this is sounding awfully sappy)
Maybe that’s why I wanted to drag those times out for hours longer than made sense. Maybe I wasn’t fair; I forgave – or, said I did – but I didn’t, couldn’t, forget. I should have tried harder to – as someone who called myself a friend.

I don’t care, though. I don’t think either of us have anything to be ashamed of.

We’re, arguably, as much of a mess as each other… sometimes.

I wasn’t angry for long. Then I, successfully, convinced myself I still was. And, when that wore off, I was just a little sad. It’d be nice to keep in touch. So, here it is. Hope you’re well. Doubt you’ll read this, but, if you do, think about it.

It’s be nice to be real friends, like we used to imagine we were.


Been neglecting this li'l blog o' mine recently... like everything else. This weird obsession I've had with being busy busy busy - filling every second - getting involved and getting overwhelmed and revelling in it - has passed. Finally. After, what, two years?

Bad timing, considering I'm now in final year. Obsessive motivation would be very helpful right now. But other things are more important. Slowly realising that, so I am.

But, whatever. Like every year, this year will pass - too quickly - and I'll look back on it and wonder why I stressed about it all.

Had a funny conversation with my housemate, and old schoolfriend, today. About long-term relationships - and lack thereof. It's funny, having HAD long-term relationships is seen as a good thing, usually. Having never had one is "worrying". Can't commit. Can't make it work. No stamina? Blah.

I can't imagine why it's seen so negatively. Spending 3, 4, 5 years with a person - just to find out they were wrong for you anyway and that it was, essentially, a waste of both of your time, isn't something to brag about. It's fine. It happens. It's not a sign of a person being any more reliable or committal than any other.

My housemate/schoolfriend sometimes bemoans having never had one. Ridiculous. I've only had one, and, despite the fact it had a huge, interesting, devastating, enriching, and eye-opening effect on me, and my life... I've honestly, arguably, learned more from the shorter ones.

The ones that've lasted an hour and half.
The ones that've lasted two dates (if even).
Two weeks.
Two months.
What have you!

It's no harm - and no measure of a person - to have never had a long-term "thing". It happens, it's life, and it's fairly unremarkable, really... and mostly up to chance, or mistakes (which can indeed happen to even the most discerning daters.)

It's no more remarkable, in fact, than a person who jumps from one long-term thing to the next, with mere hours between (you know who you are!) It's not a badge of honour. Neither bad, nor good. Just the way it is.

Just saying....

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Go outside... Taste the air!

Winter's here! :D I stepped outside and got a rush of energy - just breathed it in. Memories of last winter and Christmas filled my head. I love the winter air; it's so pure and fresh and life-giving. There's a change in everything today. Just the lift I needed. I feel way more positive than I did this morning.

Spent the day doing some housework and reading my notes and thinking about all the horrible things I have to do for college this year. Felt really overwhelmed...

Not now, 'though. This is my favourite time of year - MY time of year. My lungs, my mind, my world feels clearer. (My room too, thanks to a good clean-up.)

It's almost like being at the seaside - or out on an Island. Good air. Every year I forget how good I feel in winter - then it just hits me like this. Cool surprise. :) (again!)