Friday, October 21, 2011

No expectations, no disappointments?

Bit of a mad week, but good to know I've still an ok head on my shoulders (albeit a hot-tempered one)

I had a bit of a..disagreement.. with a lecturer regarding a grade (lost that one, which I've!)
Then I accidentally got "elected" as class rep after a ridiculous row broke out between a different lecturer of ours, and a different class group with which we share the lecture.

Lecturer walked out; other group made a plea for us to join their crusade; my classmate who objected (well, mainly just questioned!) and was shouted down....

I said, let's get out of here and chat, just to stop the aggro, stop things escalating, and save my classmate (who was jeered on exit!)


We agreed to stay out of it, and to appoint a class rep.

Shite! Bit of a shock, but I don't mind. Someone must.

The good news?
I'm not on my own in this! Another lad's sharing the position. (I'm very thankful for that! He missed out on the drama, and wasn't around for his "nomination", but was happy to help!


The stress of the week has gotten to me, though.. And this afternoon I had to leave work (with less than 4 hours left! I really tried..) Due to an aggressive, slow-building migraine that, despite my valiant refusal to go home all day, forced me to (eventually) give in.

And it drove me crazy. Shaking, and tearing up with frustration, I prayed for the wave of vomiting to hold off until I got off the jerking, lumbering, stuffy bus...and home.
It did. (For the most part)

But, instead of going home, I swallowed defiantly and stormed into the local doctors.
... Who were full up..
...Then to my local pharmacy. A very nice young pharmacist gave me some great advice and was very kind, recommended a doctor, and even gave me his name and promised to help any way he could.

My enquiry was about preventatives for migraine. Tried sanomigran as a teen - no noticeable change.
Saw the UCC Dr King of Migraines, who was very helpful, but provided a prescription for:
-a painkiller
-a triptan
-a preventative.

I already have a painkiller that, when I can keep it down, works fine. Unless the new one's impervious to being thrown up, it's no better.
Couldn't probably keep a triptan down either.
And preventatives...? First, they let me down before. Second, I hate, HATE the idea of being "on" something; on medication, daily, for life.
Third, if they don't work, the disappointment would kill me. They're only thought to help 50% of the time in 50% of the people. Plus, my trackrecord shows, time and again, I'm usually in the 50, 20, even 5% that get the dodgy side effects and minimal success. (Generall pattern in my life! Ha..)
.. It just feels weird.

But.. Enough is enough. I have to try these yokes again. If they fail me, at least I've seen it coming and won't be too heartbroken.

And I shouldn't be ashamed of going on medication. Sure, fuckin' hell, how many times have I said to other people: it doesn't change who you are, it's something you'll need to accept to be happy...
(Or stuff along those lines.. Loads!)

Why are we always more critical of ourselves?

Time I woke up to that myself. Migraine is said to be almost on par with epilepsy, in some ways, in terms of how disruptive it can become. (Well, I'm just quoting that... Personally I'd say epilepsy is FAR worse)... It ISN'T something I can pretend away anymore. 10-13 years of this! I'll still be the hot-headed, accidental achiever I've always been. I'm gonna have that 2year old prescription re-issued and, for the first time, FILLED.

I just hope I can find a good one, and.. MOST importantly.. remembering to take'm every day!

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Down.... Get out!

I shouldn't feel crap right now, but I do. So much so that I have one of those stressy headaches. The ones that, at first, feel like a migraine (scaring me silly) but turn out to be just a reasonably bearable nuisance.

Technically, I'm more "happy" than I've been in a long time. After a year "out" (working), I've returned to college for a postgrad. And in IT, of all things! It's fantastic, very interesting so far, and full of nice people. Great Modules: Java Programming, a bit of Web Design, and - who knows - might be sucked back into the online world and start tending to this poor aul neglected blog again.

We'll see.

And I have a lovely new home, lovely new area, lovely new leather boots... Lots of "new"-ness. Fresh - exciting - hopeful - engaging - refreshing - etc. I feel like things are finally moving again. A stagnant year is over, and I only realised how discouraged and defeated I had been feeling when it hit me that I didn't have to wake up for WORK on Monday mornings anymore... but something far better.

Day 1 Journalism:
"50% of you won't make it to final year"
"Of those that do, most will have to move abroad for jobs"
"Of those that even get into journalism at all, very few will ever make a living wage on it alone"
(^pre-recession, btw!)

Day 1 Grad Dip in IT:
"Most of you might get offers before you graduate. Employers come to the graduation too, looking for CVs, but by then it can be too late."

In fairness, those journalism "facts" didn't turn out to be very accurate (we pretty much ALL got to final year, and a good chunk of my ex-class are working in the media and doing pretty impressive stuff. I'm not, but I was always a bit of an oddity.)
But, all the same, isn't that a reason to be happy? Isn't that enough to reassure me that I won't be an aimless drifter forever? That I can play it by ear, with confidence, from 'ere?

I read somewhere (?) that people have a certain "happiness level" that they default to, regardless of whether they win the lottery or land their dream job. It explained why money doesn't make people happy, etc. I worried about that for a while.
But... it's not exactly true. So, I stopped worrying about that, and started wondering why exactly it is that I'm unhappy now.
  • It's not work. (My reduced hours have helped me find a new enjoyment for the job)
  • It's not college. (It's only week 2 - but I love it)
  • It's not fear of not getting a job. (I'm on a good track)
  • It's not my relationship. (well, I hope not. We have little things to work on, but they're little. And nothing a good aul pow-wow won't fix next time we've a free evening.)
  • ...?
But... my friends are all leaving the country. (Those that haven't left already, that is) My brother, and sister, and oldest friend, are gone now too. My other best friend's been gone over a year.
Those left in Limerick? I never see'm. I'm working every weekend.
I miss them all, terribly, and maybe that puts strain on my relationship, too. Suddenly, maybe, it feels like he's all I have; I'm putting more pressure on things to be "right"; I'm scared more when things aren't.
But it's more than that...
It's that I can't go!
The promise of a sure-thing at the end of my IT tunnel is both a huge reassurance, and a very, very scary realisation:
I never got my year out.
Never lived or worked abroad.
Never even went on Erasmnus ffs! Or J1. Or Interrailling.


...Oh COME ON.

I've moaned and panicked for years that I'll never have a career, never decide on something cos I enjoy so many different things, study forever and try loads but never realise my potential, etc etc.
Now that there's some hope I'm moaning even more? Job = money. THEN I can travel. New career = new friends AND money, AND holidays I can use to visit my old ones.

Snap out of it!
Time to get out of the house. the very least... out of my jamas.