Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Games.. and changing my shoes..

Games games... I am sick of games. All we ever do is play games.

In relationships.. with our friends... The "says" feature on Facebook.. Facebook and bebo and Myspace in general... The way we dress, talk, walk! There's a motive to everything we do and say, every facial expression, everything. Every-bloody-thing! Be yourself? NO ONE is. People who claim they are always themselves (what-you-see-what-you-get etc); that's an image too! That take-me-or-leave-me, i-am-my-own-person act is an Act like any other. That's how they want to be seen.

How important is it to us to control how others' see us? How we "come across"? We all try to make impressions on people... Try to control them... Small moments like being reluctant to reach for the girlie magazine instead of the paper. The "phone voice" you put on. The voicemail message that you recorded, and re-recorded, and re-recorded.. 'till it sounded right. The clothes you chose for a job interview. The clothes you choose for a night out. The different "look" you go for.

I just threw this on. Yeah.

I had a conversation about that with some girlfriends of mine - About the chosing what to wear for a night out.

One girl always made a big effort.. because she likes to look well put-together, and it makes her feel confident (and the attention it gets her adds to her confidence even more..) Another girl said the reason behind the slightly rock-y edge to her look was that she wanted people to think she was smart (self-conscious about her slightly D4 accent and ditzyness meant she was scared to dye her hair any colour other than black for years)

Me? I had to think about it for a bit. I dress down most of the time. I'm more of an attention AVOIDER than an attention-seeker, and I'm happy to have my more done-up, glammed-up friends act as a buffer for the cheesy lines and chancers..! But, again, that's just how I WANT to seem, right? SOME guys, when "on the pull", see a girl all dressed-up and figure it means she's "on the pull" too (ugh. On the pull. I hate that expression.) The dressed-down friend? Ignored. Just the way I like it.

Well, that's an attitude I'm trying to change. For a long time, I've felt like I can't dress up! If I did, it was only ever around family, and friends. Compliments made me uncomfortable, but worst still were stares, sleazy comments.. and even being grabbed at... Nothing makes me angrier, and I was sick and tired of slapping or shouting at guys when all they'd then do is laugh... humiliating.. To the nastier ones (the Coppers-esque crowd) a girl who dresses up is ASKING to be leered at.

So I stopped dressing up.
How stupid is that??? How often do I claim I don't care what people think of me - how much of a LIAR I've been..

I have some LOVELY clothes that I spent good money on and I NEVER wear anymore. I've gone out to clubs in my runners more times than I can count. No more of that. No more hiding. I won't be young forever - I don't have the BEST figure in the world, but I like it, it's only a few years till it all starts to go wrong on me so I better make the most of it while I have it! In 10 years time I'll kick myself for not flaunting it.

WHen your mum gives out that you don't wear short skirts often enough, something funny's goin' on.

I've been making (slightly) more of an effort lately - just around friends, in safe places where I know people... y'know..? and, sure, that one guy was REALLY scary, that other one was SO annoying.... and that guy following me wasn't the coolest experience either..... but FUCK IT.

I like dressing up. I like dresses. I like feeling feminine and wearing heels and all those cute tops that are gathering dust deserve to see day/night light again! And hell, maybe I could take it as a compliment..... or... just pity the ignorant bastards.

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