Well... I've come out of hiding.
And hiding is exactly ALL I've been doing since finishing college back in May.
I got a 1st. Woo. And a degree I should be proud of.
And I am. Christ, I'd be stupid not to be. Like all my classmates, I'd a tough aul four years. Nice to see it end. And sad. But mostly...inconvenient.
Because the plan was always: School => College => Blank. The blank was to fill itself once I got to it - like coming upon a clearing in misty woods (or some poetic bollox like that)... Everything, once a fogged blur, would come into focus: Paradise! The end of the road. The goal.
But, instead, I'm living in the Blank. Surrounded by Blank. I feel like a hamster who just fell off his wheel. Years of running, giving it my all... Lying on the ground, dazed now, looking back to realise I'm no further than when I started.
I've done nothing since May. Nothing of use, anyway. Plenty of fun and stuff (and still working full-time in retail) but, bleurgh, I need to dust the cobwebs off my brain and LEARN or DO. Or... just THINK even.
Well. I had an idea that the hiding and the avoiding and the *try-not-to-think-about-the-blank* would all be shaken off after a holiday: London! 10 days this summer. Lovely. No good, though.
So I thought: A week over Christmas! That'll be the time I need to set things right in my head and get motivated to A) research my options B) get off my arse and do something, and C) stop being afraid.
(Not necessarily in that order... C, I'd imagine, would come first)
Christmas is over now and I've work tomorrow. And the holiday didn't bring the epiphany I'd expected......
It did, however, give me time to relax... To think about what I want from a job (within whatever career path I eventually settle on), and what I want to do next with myself. (Drinking and scratching my arse is getting old.)
I finally (finally - for the first time in my life) turned on, tuned in, and got online to look at postgrads. *gasp*
That mammoth step took just a few measley minutes. And it changed everything.
I've a few ideas now. Only vaguely relating to my undergrad degree (if at all) but who gives a flying fuckwit?
I like the sound of one or two of the courses on offer. And one, in particular, sounded really fascinating: computery and technical and fun twiddly solo work. Just what I like.
What I want from a course:
= For it to be 1 or 2 years only - any more's too big a comittment for me after just having served 4.
= For it to be in Dublin.
= For it to be different, difficult, and open new and DIFFERENT potential NextSteps
= For it to involve(even just a pinch of an element of) creativity.
What I want from a job(when I grow up):
= For it to be challenging, fast-paced, demanding.
= For it to be (even just a little) interesting. (Even just at first.)
= For it to treat me as well as I will treat it. I want a job that I WANT to work hard at!
When I find my job, I want one I sort of hate a bit, but one where I'm tempted to stay late, work through lunch, take it home with me, dream about it... That's the sort of job I'll work well at. I'm lazy when I'm not under pressure. Well, not lazy, but certainly not at my productive best.
If a job could match me, overwhelm me, challenge me, it wouldn't matter what discipline, what sector, what I was doing at all.
Anyway, as I may have written earlier, I've work tomorrow. But I'm in a place at the moment where I need to do a lot of thinking, and that means talking to myself, which is fun on here. So...
I'm back, blogland. Hear me roar.