Down.... Get out!

I shouldn't feel crap right now, but I do. So much so that I have one of those stressy headaches. The ones that, at first, feel like a migraine (scaring me silly) but turn out to be just a reasonably bearable nuisance.

Technically, I'm more "happy" than I've been in a long time. After a year "out" (working), I've returned to college for a postgrad. And in IT, of all things! It's fantastic, very interesting so far, and full of nice people. Great Modules: Java Programming, a bit of Web Design, and - who knows - might be sucked back into the online world and start tending to this poor aul neglected blog again.

We'll see.

And I have a lovely new home, lovely new area, lovely new leather boots... Lots of "new"-ness. Fresh - exciting - hopeful - engaging - refreshing - etc. I feel like things are finally moving again. A stagnant year is over, and I only realised how discouraged and defeated I had been feeling when it hit me that I didn't have to wake up for WORK on Monday mornings anymore... but something far better.

Day 1 Journalism:
"50% of you won't make it to final year"
"Of those that do, most will have to move abroad for jobs"
"Of those that even get into journalism at all, very few will ever make a living wage on it alone"
(^pre-recession, btw!)

Day 1 Grad Dip in IT:
"Most of you might get offers before you graduate. Employers come to the graduation too, looking for CVs, but by then it can be too late."

In fairness, those journalism "facts" didn't turn out to be very accurate (we pretty much ALL got to final year, and a good chunk of my ex-class are working in the media and doing pretty impressive stuff. I'm not, but I was always a bit of an oddity.)
But, all the same, isn't that a reason to be happy? Isn't that enough to reassure me that I won't be an aimless drifter forever? That I can play it by ear, with confidence, from 'ere?

I read somewhere (?) that people have a certain "happiness level" that they default to, regardless of whether they win the lottery or land their dream job. It explained why money doesn't make people happy, etc. I worried about that for a while.
But... it's not exactly true. So, I stopped worrying about that, and started wondering why exactly it is that I'm unhappy now.

• It's not work. (My reduced hours have helped me find a new enjoyment for the job)
  
• It's not college. (It's only week 2 - but I love it)
  
• It's not fear of not getting a job. (I'm on a good track)
  
• It's not my relationship. (well, I hope not. We have little things to work on, but they're little. And nothing a good aul pow-wow won't fix next time we've a free evening.)
  
• ...?

But... my friends are all leaving the country. (Those that haven't left already, that is) My brother, and sister, and oldest friend, are gone now too. My other best friend's been gone over a year.
Those left in Limerick? I never see'm. I'm working every weekend.
I miss them all, terribly, and maybe that puts strain on my relationship, too. Suddenly, maybe, it feels like he's all I have; I'm putting more pressure on things to be "right"; I'm scared more when things aren't.
But it's more than that...
It's that I can't go!
The promise of a sure-thing at the end of my IT tunnel is both a huge reassurance, and a very, very scary realisation:
I never got my year out.
Never lived or worked abroad.
Never even went on Erasmnus ffs! Or J1. Or Interrailling.

**********************************

...Oh COME ON.

I've moaned and panicked for years that I'll never have a career, never decide on something cos I enjoy so many different things, study forever and try loads but never realise my potential, etc etc.
Now that there's some hope I'm moaning even more? Job = money. THEN I can travel. New career = new friends AND money, AND holidays I can use to visit my old ones.

Snap out of it!
Time to get out of the house.



Or...at the very least... out of my jamas.

HOW did I miss this?

National Punctuation Day was yesterday. There I was, raising my drink to Arthur (and parsnips..), when I should have also saved a toast for this wonderful, noble holiday. My new favourite holiday, in fact. 'Till Halloween, at least. (If it even lasts that long...)

I was reading an award-winning novel the other day and there were countless, blatant mistakes that really took from the story. It's hard to concentrate and lose yourself in the text when you come across a sentence that must be re-read. Shame. Great story.

This is it, though; great writers aren't necessarily great editors...
And vice-versa.

Being back in college is weird. It'll be a while before I get back into this internet obsession thing. I shook it off over the summer but it's coming back, I think. Means I'll spend more time here.

Probably not, 'though... I'll be quite busy this year. Scared? Nah. Projects seem doable. Altogether I've come up with about 30 different ideas; between dissertation ideas, radio package ideas, articles, etc... I need one good idea for each assignment. All different. All I've come up with to date are... well... shit.

Terrible. Rubbish. But, there's 30 of them. And the more shitty ones I come up with, the closer I get to the good ones. Maybe I could even dust off some old ideas, or really twist and mould these shit ones into something resembling a possibility.

We'll see.

Rough night ahead. Long story. Wishing for a migraine to get me out of it... No luck so far. Fuckers are never around when I need them. And I pulled enough fake ones in secondary school to know it's not worth it - people stop taking you seriously and you end up in HELL when you DO get an attack and no one accepts your excuses, or has any sympathy.

The Clinic

So, went to a specialised migraine clinic in Cork yesterday... results? Well... hopeful, I suppose.

It was interesting! He finally confirmed for me that my local GP is the eejit I thought he was (tried for years to convince me I had eye strain, and told me to wear my glasses etc... growl...) and the specialist didn't see me, but his assistant/partner fello (who had a very nice, well-chosen pair of specsavers glasses - Osiris, double bridge... obsessed? Me? No!) did. Now, I must say, he was very thorough and helpful. And he took me seriously... (refreshing! As I'm sure most migraine sufferers are sick to death of stupid sceptical doctors) and the only part of the consultation that pissed me off was when, before leaving the room to fetch the "Big Guy", this assistant/partner dude handed me a patronising information leaflet... and a freaking migraine diary. Another freaking migraine diary. I could have cried.

My mum had come with me on the bus and, on the way, I had ranted about how I didn't want to be fobbed off with yet ANOTHER diary. I've been dealing with these stupid things for 10 years now - I KNOW my triggers and I KNOW what to avoid, but what frustrated me more than anything is these damn diaries and information leaflets. Know your triggers, reduce your attacks. Fuck that. Easy for YOU to say! And triggers can be food, alcohol etc, and that's fair enough - but some of my major ones include sudden changes in the weather, irregular sleep, missed or delayed meals, stress, changes in routine (including HOLIDAYS! Yes! Holidays are a big trigger for most people. Even without the heat, altitude on the plane, missing sleep and meals, and drinking etc, just the simple fact that they are a sudden change in routine can be enough to knock you out with a headache for half your trip! BULLSHIT. So I can't do ANYTHING?!)

Sitting waiting for them to come back, I became nearly hysterical with fury - I am NOT going to live my life like a China Doll! YOU try avoiding stress - LIFE is stressful!

Imagine it! Afraid to drink, going to bed at a certain time every night, scheduling meals, never missing breakfast or ANY meal, or staying up late or going out dancing. I point blank REFUSE to live my life by these shitty rules. Yes, I'll get headaches, but - even if I did everything in my power to prevent them, I'd STILL GET THEM! These fucking headaches are a nuisance, and it sucks when I get one, but they WILL not RULE my life.

If this guy comes back in now and tells me to avoid my triggers and live more responsibly or whatever, I may in fact smack him.

But, the big bossman specialist came in... and before I had a chance to open my mouth, said something like;
"I'm sure you know your triggers by now, and this diary is simply to record the frequency of headaches - and to compare and see whether the medication we're going to put you on makes a difference. Regardless of how you live your life, you ARE a migraine sufferer, and will get headaches but, hopefully, we can reduce them."


So, my plan is to wait a month before starting on the preventatives, and record whatever happens... and then take them for 5 months... and come back with my findings.

Fine so! If it doesn't work, then, feck it. At least he doesn't expect me to live like a frail, delicate, sensible coward. That's the biggest relief of all.

On break at work at mo, so best be getting back!

And also...

I was just reading one of my posts from only a few months ago - and I barely recognise myself. The way I wrote it... my attitude...

I'm just tired.
All this in the last few months really IS wearing me out. I miss having time for my friends, for my family, for me... just time.

Summer soon. So soon.

I don't even think I'm up for getting the bus now after all. The post-work buzz had me all... well... buzz-y... but now I just feel drained. 's what's expected when ya don't sleep, I guess.
Think I'll just lie down. -_-

Yikes

This place gets more mental every day!

Right, so, was in college for about 40minutes today helping out with a big society thing (would have loved to have stayed longer) and, when about to leave to go back to work, said "sorry lads I really gotta be getting home"

Home?! Could be a slip of the tongue (like in primary school when you accidentally called your teacher mom) or... well... could have something to do with the 12+ hours a day I'm spending here! Doing your (un-freakin'-paid) work experience in the same place you already work part-time isn't something I'd recommend.

I thrive on being busy and, ok, most days I really love this, and I especially love the work I've been doing with the radio and everything (www.raidiorira.ie!!) ... but I can't help missing what things were like before Christmas; I'd work hard, and play harder, haha... I was busy and stressed, but had it all under control - comfortably enough to still go out and go crazy 3 or 4 times a week.. to still have some free time to speak of. Time for friends too! Think that's the main reason I haven't felt like myself. I like my own company, but not SO MUCH of it.

But, hey, it's better to feel like you've too much going on than too little, right?

(Right!)

Speaking of too much going on... one particular project still hasn't quite gotten off the ground. And it's frustrating, and I'm sure it would probably never come to much even if it did happen... But it's not worth worrying about anymore. I tried. What more can I do? It's not my fault it's not "happening". And I know for a fact that, even in the best-case scenario, it would be more time-consuming than absolutely everything else put together. And I would have even less time for friends/self.

Then again... it might make things easier in another sense.

GrrrrRRR. Headache. That's it. Enough. I've wasted enough time wondering about it and weighing it up. Done. Hands washed of it. Was always a bad idea. Back to drawing board. Different plan. Shiny new plan. (hehe..)

Ní freakin' fiú é. :D

Re: Ouch >.<

Isn't it incredible? It's migraine art! I, personally, don't get a visual aura - but stuff like this makes me wish I did! (Instead I just act out of character, stressed, and spaced-out during the pre-attack aura stage..... or sometimes I can get hyper-happy or startlingly low! Which is weird, and I don't know what's going on till the pain hits and I'm like - Oh! Right!)

A few months back I read in Scientific American (my dad subscribes - he's awesome) that - apparently - the migraine "happens" in the front of the brain in people who get visual disturbances, and in people who don't see anything funny it's in the back.
(Sorry I haven't a proper quote or anything - I've lost the issue somewhere in my room!)

Mad jagged designs, blind spots... it all sounds much more interesting than mood swings and concentration lapses! But, yeah, i know; greener grass and all that jazz...

Here's another from this thread (which is worth checking out..):




I totally fucking know how that^^ feels! That, right there, is similar to stuff I've doodled when I've had a headache (and a pen handy..eg: in work/college) - might post some here at some point! But I have a rotten habit of throwing away everything I draw these days...
(something to do with my bitterness at having abandoned the art college dream?)

Have a look at this NY Times slideshow for more examples!

"... there is speculation that some of the mystical paintings from medieval times, including the work of Hildegard von Bingen (Saint Hildegard), were actually the "visions" that resulted, at least in part, from a migraine attack. Van Gogh, Seurat, and many other artists have also been cited as possible "migraine artists." "

^That article from Psychology Today is an interesting read if you've got 5 minutes.. it's true that it's very difficult to describe pain in words sometimes - and I don't know how many times I've felt like slapping a doctor who's dismissed my headache as a sinus congestion-related pain when I'm trying to explain that "it's not just there, it's aaall here and kind of, in that way and pushing down here and sometimes here and... but further in.. and that way and through there!"

ha... clear?
Crystal!

Ouch >.<

I hate migraines! Today has been a complete write-off. It’s not fair. I get NO say in it. It’ll just come on me and, no matter how hard I fight it, it’s a matter of dropping everything and waiting ‘till I can fall asleep – which can take hours...

If the headache could talk, he’d chuckle and say, “Plans? Tough shit. You’re not doing eh-heh-heeehnything* today!”

I like being in control - so I absolutely HATE the helplessness I feel when one’s coming on. I’ll try ignore it, try get on with my day, but I know the longer I leave it the worse it’ll get..which is infuriating. Still, I suppose the sensation of it creeping up on me is kind of a luxury – at least I have some sort of warning – and can get another hour or two of productivity out of the day. But sometimes, like today for instance, I’ll just wake up with a full-blown horrible one; no build-up, no warning, and no hope for getting anything done that day! Cancel everything, stick my head in the freezer, and, most importantly.. turn OFF those DAMN LIGHTS..

Finally got over it, though, with some effort..
Couldn’t bear to get dressed and go to the shop for Neurofen Plus (which I shouldn’t take anyway, but they’re the only things that work, really) so I scraped around my floor and finally found an almost empty bottle of that Advil PM stuff I got in the states this summer. The only painkillers in the house, and not very effective, but they had sleep aid! Sleep is the only sure-fire cure for MY migraines. Well, it works about 85% of the time. Anyway. Yay.

Waited what seemed like HOURS for them to kick in, and they didn’t quite stop the ache, but totally helped me drift off! After choking down a few slices of pizza, dozed fitfully on an armchair by the window (Bed too hot! Too hot! Everywhere too hot. Air!!) ... and thank God but after a few hours I woke up feeling much, much, muuuch better.

It’s a fantastic feeling – right after a migraine lifts. Nothing beats it! It’s strange – I just feel NORMAL – but, after the ache and heat and pressure of the migraine; Normal Feels Incredible!!! It’s the best feeling in the world! GOD I feel so good! Like new! Like brand spanking new and FULL of energy and happy to be alive and dying to go DO something! It's AWESOME!

Anyone know what I mean?

*don’t ask why it talks like Dr. Cox… =P

T..G..I..(effing)..F

Aaaaaall-nighter. Stupid Exam. Last exam. It's at 2pm today. It's 9 am now.

What!? 9am already?

Better get crackin' back into the study - still got one more chapter to do before I'm happy with myself.

Not that my brain works anymore anyway. Migraine day - I can always tell somehow.
No! Y'know what? I REFUSE to have a migraine today!
(never works, but worth a shot....again)

A friend told me that sleep deprivation puts you in a similar mental state to being drunk. Well... might just have a beer then! (Damned if you do.....)
Ah now.. don't look at me like that!
They're only little beers. Tiny bottles, cheaper than chips, Tesco's finest rat-piss, three or four left... I'll just go check.

One won't hurt. :D Can anyone else open bottles with their teeth or am I just exceptionally cool..?

Well then, Goooooood Morning! While you were sleeping I was studying. For the last few hours it's been lovely, though - sweet twittering bird noises and early morning anti-twilight* and all that - but now all the business-minded busy people are up and awake and driving around the street outside my house and pissing me off... and there's another stupid motorbike and a siren and a screech... shhhh... I'm trying to concentrate here!

*sips beer.. rolls cigarette*

Last exam for a LONG time, 'though. Thank god for that.
Last all-nighter for a LONG time. All-nighters and me have enjoyed a very close, loving relationship since Secondary School. They've served me well and rarely let me down. Cramming is almost like a hobby to me. The lecturer lady for Shorthand (the indecipherable hieroglyphic bullcrap subject we were subjected to in 1st year) told the class that "you can't cram for shorthand; it's something you need to practice, like learning to write."

So I proved her wrong and got like 70% with a day and a half's work having done no practice whatsoever all year. That's another hobby of mine; Proving people wrong about things that aaaaaren't really worth my time...

Another is being a pain in the arse.


I was certain I'd mess these exams up - badly, very very badly. Which is unlike me. I NEVER fail. Never have. (despite my somewhat unconventional study methods *sip*)
I CAN'T fail - I'd never be forgiven for it if I did!
By me, or by....well.

The start of the semester was so rough and everything's been shaky since - good, relative to other years, but shaky. Things are good - but I wasn't at college much (understatement) and I beat myself up over it a LOT - but that's ok. And if I DO fail tomorrow, that's ok. And if I'm not always on top of things, that's ok. I am much more chilled out. It was the stress and annoyance@self that kept me out of college, on top of the grief and an unshakable tiredness..... But I feel like chilling out played a part in doing well in the last two exam papers. And will help me through tomorrow, regardless of what work I get done between now and 2.

But someone up there likes me - in Monday's "Documentary Studies" exam, despite having only been to 3 of the lectures (THREE!) I was able to answer the questions - and answer them WELL. People were saying, "crap I spent all night studying (insert topic here) and it never came up!" and I thought to myself, "hehe - I've never HEARD of that.." --- All I had was all I needed! As for Wednesday... well... it was Irish! And a piece of cake.. even though I mixed up the word "peace" with "chair" (they're pronounced the same - spelled differently.. realised only after I'd left the hall..)

Can picture my lecturer laughing his beardy little head off at my point about the Northern Ireland Chair Process that I wrote so enthusiastically..
Awesome.
Still did well though.

Back to study now. I will let ya know how tonight's riotous celebrations go! w00t!
Don't wait up! ^_~

*(dawn! that's the word...)

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

I’m in a bad mood.
And I’m getting a headache. Which always happens when I’m in a bad FUCKING mood. Which always puts me into a WORSE fucking mood!

There’s some baldy weirdo at work who keeps fuhLIRTing with me and makes no secret of the fact that he’s a sleazy prick but I know that horrible look he gave to his friend was an "I’m-in-there" look.

WANKER! Leave me alone!

I’m just annoyed. Across-the-board, all-inclusive annoyed. Every INCH of me is annoyed. And yet, I’ll go out tonight after work, and get a few drinks I can’t afford, and grin and giggle like an idiot and have a "GREAT" time.

RRRRRRRGH!!!

I’m sick of trying to be this! This... this happy-happy-cheesy-chatty ball of fucking friendliness! I just wanna be left the fuck alone and – preferably – lie in bed all day. All day EVERY day. I’m sick of pissing myself off and sick of people pissing me off and sick of being pissed-off in general!

I’ve always been an angry person, but no one would guess would they? Cos I’m so HAPPY. Smiling pleasantly, talking politely.. carefully-applied makeup and bottle-blonde hair and oh-so-freakin' friendly and good-natured all the time.. I wanna go back to listening to MY music - not "cool" music. Strong, angry music with a deep, all-consuming beat - and I DON'T CARE that I don't always know the album, track number and the lead singer's favourite fucking colour. I hate people showing off how much they "know" about their fave bands. It's not important. I miss my dark hair. I miss putting red and purple streaks in it. I miss when I didn't CARE to be seen kicking a chair or a wall or something.. before I got my temper "under control".

But I suppose that’s the old me, right?