Down.... Get out!

I shouldn't feel crap right now, but I do. So much so that I have one of those stressy headaches. The ones that, at first, feel like a migraine (scaring me silly) but turn out to be just a reasonably bearable nuisance.

Technically, I'm more "happy" than I've been in a long time. After a year "out" (working), I've returned to college for a postgrad. And in IT, of all things! It's fantastic, very interesting so far, and full of nice people. Great Modules: Java Programming, a bit of Web Design, and - who knows - might be sucked back into the online world and start tending to this poor aul neglected blog again.

We'll see.

And I have a lovely new home, lovely new area, lovely new leather boots... Lots of "new"-ness. Fresh - exciting - hopeful - engaging - refreshing - etc. I feel like things are finally moving again. A stagnant year is over, and I only realised how discouraged and defeated I had been feeling when it hit me that I didn't have to wake up for WORK on Monday mornings anymore... but something far better.

Day 1 Journalism:
"50% of you won't make it to final year"
"Of those that do, most will have to move abroad for jobs"
"Of those that even get into journalism at all, very few will ever make a living wage on it alone"
(^pre-recession, btw!)

Day 1 Grad Dip in IT:
"Most of you might get offers before you graduate. Employers come to the graduation too, looking for CVs, but by then it can be too late."

In fairness, those journalism "facts" didn't turn out to be very accurate (we pretty much ALL got to final year, and a good chunk of my ex-class are working in the media and doing pretty impressive stuff. I'm not, but I was always a bit of an oddity.)
But, all the same, isn't that a reason to be happy? Isn't that enough to reassure me that I won't be an aimless drifter forever? That I can play it by ear, with confidence, from 'ere?

I read somewhere (?) that people have a certain "happiness level" that they default to, regardless of whether they win the lottery or land their dream job. It explained why money doesn't make people happy, etc. I worried about that for a while.
But... it's not exactly true. So, I stopped worrying about that, and started wondering why exactly it is that I'm unhappy now.

• It's not work. (My reduced hours have helped me find a new enjoyment for the job)
  
• It's not college. (It's only week 2 - but I love it)
  
• It's not fear of not getting a job. (I'm on a good track)
  
• It's not my relationship. (well, I hope not. We have little things to work on, but they're little. And nothing a good aul pow-wow won't fix next time we've a free evening.)
  
• ...?

But... my friends are all leaving the country. (Those that haven't left already, that is) My brother, and sister, and oldest friend, are gone now too. My other best friend's been gone over a year.
Those left in Limerick? I never see'm. I'm working every weekend.
I miss them all, terribly, and maybe that puts strain on my relationship, too. Suddenly, maybe, it feels like he's all I have; I'm putting more pressure on things to be "right"; I'm scared more when things aren't.
But it's more than that...
It's that I can't go!
The promise of a sure-thing at the end of my IT tunnel is both a huge reassurance, and a very, very scary realisation:
I never got my year out.
Never lived or worked abroad.
Never even went on Erasmnus ffs! Or J1. Or Interrailling.

**********************************

...Oh COME ON.

I've moaned and panicked for years that I'll never have a career, never decide on something cos I enjoy so many different things, study forever and try loads but never realise my potential, etc etc.
Now that there's some hope I'm moaning even more? Job = money. THEN I can travel. New career = new friends AND money, AND holidays I can use to visit my old ones.

Snap out of it!
Time to get out of the house.



Or...at the very least... out of my jamas.

New, and altogether different

Broke. Scraping by. Over-worked. Stressed. Sick. Chain-smoking. Living on caffeine and 20min naps in the (less interesting) lectures..... Some of the many things I DON'T miss about being a student.
(well, the naps were pretty nice, actually...)


And yet, this day two weeks, that's exactly what I'll be once again.


One of my old DIT lecturers popped into my shop the other day, picking up a repair for his wife, and smilingly said, "Studentdom is wasted on the students. You'll appreciate college so much more this time."


Hope so.


The course I'm doing is open to all sorts: geeks who fell into jobs and finally want formal qualifications; geeks who've been fiddling with their own computers for years and finally decided to study IT formally; and geeks who were a little misguided on their choice of undergrad (i.e. me) and want a chance to ctrl+y the whole college thing... Like any postgrad, and unlike an undergrad, we're all going to be at different ages, stages, levels of experience...


I just hope I'm not gonna be the dunce in the corner! Much as I've always been interested in computers and all that, tbh I'd be exaggerating to even call it a hobby. Hell, since teaching myself quick, proper typing as a kid, and then basic html in my pree-teens (to build fansites for pokemon, etc, that never made it online..!), I haven't done a damn thing. That's over a decade. My myspace page, a brilliant practice-ground, has been gathering dust for what feels like millennia, and this blog? Well. You can see how often I update the content - let alone the decorative script. Tech-Aoife is someone I haven't seen in a LONG time. She's more than just rusty, she's practically fossilised.


So, I'm worried I'm too out of touch. Too far behind. I don't want to be slower than the others. I don't want to be blatantly struggling. I'm usually "the weird, slightly cold-at-first, nerdy girl"; I don't want to be "the weird, totally in-over-her-head, ditzy girl". Christ. Not in a classroom full of people who could've fuckin' written the course itself (and just need the cert. to prove it...) I feel inferior, hugely inferior, to people I haven't even met yet.


This is stupid.
What am I on about?
Like everything new, this is daunting. Even... scary. But I pick things up quickly enough, I'm interested (I must be - I chose it over every other course i could find - not for the title, but for the modules themselves), and being interested means I'll be at an advantage straight away. It's something I've always been interested in, and faffing around with journalism for four years doesn't make me an airy-fairy arty type who won't be able to grasp the tough stuff. On the contrary, I'll be shorthanding my notes and kicking ass with my essays and finding the theory-side a piece of cake, leaving more time to study and absorb the more alien info. Yeah!


It'll be fine.
*breathe*
Whew...

All I can do is my best. And it'll be grand. (So long as the money doesn't run out...) Roll on studentdom, brokedom, over-workedom, stressdom, (and all the other doms)... Things have been static, stagnant, for too long. At least this is a change. And, whether change is good or bad... at least it's something.

Burgled! (also hello hello, been a while, etc)

Nothing major stolen from me. I haven't much worth stealing, it seems... An unopened perfume/make-up gift set I'd just gotten that looked valuable, some electrical items.... And a hat. (Which I imagine was used to prevent leaving prints as it was tossed outside by my back door). My housemate, however, lost laptop, camera, etc... Poor guy.

Landlady got an earful (seeing as it was entirely her fault) and agreed to take a chunk off the rent to make up for the fact I've been (a) robbed and (b) essentially been homeless for a week and a half. BUT my window's now been fixed, and new more secure bars go up tomorrow. I may then feel comfortable staying here again. I miss my room, but couldn't very well expect to sleep soundly with my window hanging by one hinge and only a bike-lock between me and the burglar's return.

The gardai who came to have a look around and take fingerprints gave us one piece of advice: Move.

Evidence of rats (and human-rats) hanging around outside our back door, bad plumbing (filthy)... But mainly because we are so completely exposed at the back of the house. The bars will help make the place more "secure" but, 'though we won't have another break-in, they will hinder a speedy exit in case of fire (actually, they'll make it near impossible, but that's a worry for another time)

So, move I shall. Not right now, but soon enough.

But where to? This prime-positioned but grotty home of mine may be convenient for work and everything but, come late September, Northside may be a better location as I'll be spending most days of the week doing my new course.
Yes. After a year working aimlessly, I'm going back to school again. I.T. this time. Should be fun!

Why I.T.? It just happened that way... I finished my thesis, FYPs and all the related rubbish this time last year. Done. I then went into a kind of hibernation - working away, minimum wage, pretending the epiphany would strike any minute and/or I'd be poached from my shop and whisked away onto the first rung of the career ladder of my dreams. Any minute now...!

I just went to work and wasted the months away; daydreaming, but not doing. Once fed up with that, I started trawling through course after course online...
Masters, Post-grads... Even brand new BAs... Evening courses, Part-time courses, Internships, Everything. I even looked into the possibility of packing it all in and going back to study Art! (Which is what my very talented little sister is doing, despite the fact I was the more "arty" child...)

I don't envy her achievements and plans; I chose the path to here, and am happy with that. What I do envy, however, is her certainty. She knows what area is hers, and even where within it she'd like to get to. A talent I lack.

I decided against the art thing. I didn't want it badly enough first time around, and I don't fancy investing another, what, 3-4 years in something I'm just doing for the sake of a pre-teen whim I've long grown out of. Once upon a time, it was my "thing". Not anymore.

I looked at courses in publishing, media, script writing, editing, radio, tv production, and all sorts of semi-related crap. Most seemed interesting. None seemed right.

I then saw an article on a website praising conversion courses - the handy way to re-route your studies with a short, practical, graduate-only course.

*click*

I.T.? Hmm... ok... just to see...

*click*

When the page loaded up, a list of modules appeared. All were subjects I've often wondered about, always wanted to learn more about, but never did. All were covered in one, fabulous year. I sent the deposit away today. It's official.

As for moving? The bars will buy me some time. I've been asking myself whether I'm ready to move in with himself yet or not. The dust is settling here, slowly, and my room and home will be my room and home again soon enough. When I can think straight once again, I suspect it won't be a tough decision.

Let's hope I don't procrastinate long enough to burn to death, 'though.

As for this blog?

As for this blog?

I'll probably leave it lying here, or save it somewhere, for the sake of perusing a few memories on some distant, bored, future day... but for now, I can't imagine being here very often. My visits, posts, enthusiasm, has fizzled out.. Any following I once cultivated I've completely neglected for the last god-knows-how-many months.

I started this thing in 1st year. I'm done now; no more to say.

Except...

As hard as the four years were, they were great. I'm glad I worked part-time straight through the years, exhausted and barely scraping by... because I paid my way and that feels really fucking good to say. And maybe it was easier for those with loans/living at home... but maybe not either. We all had our own distractions, it wasn't an easy 4 years, and I loved hearing that everyone did well... Even if I am pretty sure I won't have much contact with any of them beyond the grads - which is my own fault, entirely... I was too wrapped up in my self/work/stress/other to make the effort I should have, except sporadically, and that's not enough... In fact,when I did try, I think it was just a bit weird, in retrospect... Popping up for a group-night-out thing once every 6 months then disappearing again.

Whatever.

All in all, a nice bunch. Maybe it isn't too late. Or maybe paths will cross amach anseo.

I'm glad I missed lectures from being hungover/shattered after long Conradh nights... It got me mad-cool marks in Irish, and opened up a whole new world to me... I'm glad for everything. Even the really, really stupid stuff I did.

College really was... pretty great.

Monumental

I'm preactically finished college, about 99.99% finished. I feel like I should mark the moment with a post here. But I don't really know how I feel.

[_] Scared.
[_] Relieved.
[_] Free.
[_] Lost.
[_] Aimless.
[X] All of the above.

I've never been a great one for plans. It's better to just see what happens, watch where the flow's taking you, react, and take it from there.

I had a vague idea, though... It went: School, College, Blank.
The blank was meant to fill itself.

It hasn't.

So, now blank seems to = Work... for now. In a job I'm lucky to have and...well... could it be forever..? Could it be a route worth taking? There's a great Optom course in DIT... Familiar ground and everything...

New plan, then?
Wait and see.

Tbh, I can probably afford to bide a little time. So, I'll save and save and think and think and then...God knows what I'll do. It'll hit me some day soon.

And if not - what's the fucking hurry anyway?

For the first time in 4 years, I have time to read again! ^_^ Draw, play video games, paint, go for long walks, maybe do a bit more stand-up...whatever the fuck I want.

I bloody fucking managed to do it! ... I DID IT.

I did it. Dissertation in, radio sorted. Life is manageable again. I KNEW the universe wouldn't let me down.
I knew I wouldn't let me down.
And the Dropkicks last night were effin' brilliant. I caught a guitar pick!

Time to start doing myself justice, 'though. As soon as I've recovered from these two consecutive (and painful) all-nighters, I'm straight back in - head first - to make the most of the little college that's left.

I got an award this week (that's apparently been sitting in a box for a while now, having been awarded at a ceremony I couldn't go to - and no one told me!!) and I was thrilled about it. It was for "outstanding contribution" to a college society over the four years I've been here. Delighted.

Then I found out that, this Monday, I'm being presented with another: the Chairperson's Medal for my "outstanding contribution to college life". Again, it's for all the societies stuff I did. Similar - but sounds to be a much bigger deal. I didn't even know such a thing existed. Socs office nominated me.

Whether it's deserved or not, it's certainly flattering. There are 10 medals in total and, when I heard who else was nominated, I was gobsmacked that the socs office thought I was up there with them: People who've worked their arses off and really made a huge difference, people who've set up hugely successful societies, people who've powered through college despite crazy hectic outside lives, people who've done amazing things...

I dunno if I've done "amazing" things for socs, but it feels amazing to have won something like this. I'll be honest... I've, genuinely, spent the last few months doubting my choices... wondering if my priorities were a bit fucked up going through college... wondering if I should have concentrated on the course more than all the other shit I got sidetracked with... wondering if I'd spent four years here working hard at wasting a whole lot of time.

But the shit I got sidetracked with was amazing shit. It was worthwhile shit. It was the best possible kind of shit. And it's that shit that I'm going to take with me from my college experience... and cherish forever.

When our Cumann Gaelach was awarded the "Most Improved Society" award in my second year of college, we got through to BICS - the national final. There was a guy there who'd won "Best Individual" in DIT, and who'd just gone on to win "Best Individual" nationally. Basically, it means he was, by far, the hardest working individual person in any college society in the country. He certainly was. Everyone knew it. He helped make something magical out of the already brilliant Drama Soc. And he was involved in every other aspect of college life too. And studying full time. And doing everything else you could possibly imagine. Think "impossible amount of achievement"... now, double it.

I remember talking to him... Barely. I was "interviewing" him, both of us propping up the bar, drunk as skunks... I wrote down his answers in the margins of the awards ceremony brochure... Scrabbling together a few quotes for my report in the DIT News was tricky; my usually illegible scrawl is even worse when I'm drunk.

But I got one good quote out of it. And a damn good one at that.

"If you're not involved in a society you're not going to college, you're going to class."

Here here.

Standing Up... for the impossible.

"You're not actually doing this...?"
My friends couldn't believe me when I told them I was going to do it.
They certainly didn't think I'd be able to do it.





Can't possibly make people laugh?



Can't possibly write my dissertation in less than a week?

Watch me.

Exactly 2 weeks.

Exactly two weeks and it's hand-in day. Jesus H. Christ.

Thousands have gone before and managed it, must remember that, must keep saying that. No way in hell I'm the LEAST organised person to ever finish this course. Nor the least able. Far from it.

2 weeks - 336 hours, right? And I'm more than able - and willing - to run on the minimum amount of sleep. Or none, I'd imagine, nearing the end.

Don't ask me how I fell so far behind. But, fuck it, if there's one thing I'm good at it's last-minute, quality cramming. Aoife McCrammy-Ryan. Old habits die hard and I never genuinely expected any less - even if it IS final year, even if it IS the dissertation... It's how I do things. And I've scraped by fine so far.

Breathe.

We'll all do fine. Or, at the very least, we'll all get through it.

Breathe.

And my reward? What I'm most looking forward to? Not the degree I've lost enthusiam for, not a fun-filled summer, not a breather from the weight of work and stress of it all.... No. My brightest light at the end of the tunnel is...
...

That's right. The night of the 22nd it'll be me, the boy, the Bucky, and the Dropkick Murphys. Win, Lose or Draw; that will be a damn good night.

Hell. Fucking. Yeah.

Goodnight... tomorrow begins the marathon...

No Escape

On holliers from all my jobs... All of them. One month of nothing. Nothing. Christ - I can't stand it.

It's probably been about 3'na half years since I'd this much damn time off. Nowhere to rush to. No mad work schedule (with bleak hours of study crammed in wherever possible; never a minute of "free time" without that hanging guilt of procrastination...)

I quit to create time to do my Dissertation, y'see... To finish my research and write it all up; leather-bound and beautiful by the 22nd. Also, the radio project needs finishing (a documentary on how Stand-Up Comics start out - with my very own performance coming up on the 13th. Yes. I'm really doing it. God help us all.)

But, even 'though it's a lot of work, I feel...idle. Helplessly idle. Without the pressure of work and lateness and lack of time to do college work, it's been impossible to do college work.

What's that expression? "If you want something done, ask a busy person"...? That's just it. My momentum's gone. And there's no escape into work or rehearsals or society work or... anything. Seems it was easier to get assignments done when all I had were those tiny, designated, rare windows.

I took this time off to work solely on college: final stretch of final year, get it done! I thought I needed time...
But I'm going insane with endless empty hours... to fill as I please...

Ah well... I'll just have to get used to it.

Almost...! Graaaah!

I think I'm getting there. If I can't come out of today with a solid plan for this dratted dissertation, then I may as well give up. Today. Obsessively. I must sort it out.

Everyone's started collecting data already and have been workin' away for a month or so, as I've been wrestling with my research plan and scrambling to pinpoint some basic fucking idea of the direction for the thing.

But I think I've almost got it.

It all has to come down to Today. It has to be Today. I want to go to sleep tonight happy that I know what the hell I'm doing.

In other news... Other proj's are going swimmingly. Suspiciously so. But whatever.
And I'm still utterly smitten - more-so every day.
And life is good. (Except for dissertations and research topics. All else; good.)

Write what you love...

This isn't it.

What am I doing? Fuck this college stuff. But won't shy at the last hurdle. Gonna do it. And do it well.

And, on a vaguely related note, something (wonderful) happened that I, at first, thought would scupper my final year successes (...when you least expect it, they say...) But, bad timing or no, I couldn't be more delighted that it happened. Whenever it happened. So long as it happened.

And... I have found it hard to stop smiling all month. Everything else may be demanding, stressful, difficult... but this has been effortless. Uncharacteristically, and ideally, I feel neither threatened nor desperate to sabotage. Everyone says it's supposed to be hard - and I believed that. And I saw it, from experience, to be true. But it's not meant to be hard.
It's so deliriously easy.

Frazzled

Working on my law assignment, got a text from a classmate asking what time tomorrow it was due... (it's 2am, so by tomorrow I mean today)

Here's the jist of the answer he got;

I can't be sure.. all the handout says is "on or before Wednesday 25th", but it then goes on to say that "late submissions will be penalised as per the Course Handbook", which suggests the deadline must be what the course handbook defines it as, ie. 4pm on the given date. But you could probably argue that it was unclear.

Hmm. Can you tell I've been reading effing law stuff for the last few days..?

Longevity

Been neglecting this li'l blog o' mine recently... like everything else. This weird obsession I've had with being busy busy busy - filling every second - getting involved and getting overwhelmed and revelling in it - has passed. Finally. After, what, two years?

Bad timing, considering I'm now in final year. Obsessive motivation would be very helpful right now. But other things are more important. Slowly realising that, so I am.

But, whatever. Like every year, this year will pass - too quickly - and I'll look back on it and wonder why I stressed about it all.

Had a funny conversation with my housemate, and old schoolfriend, today. About long-term relationships - and lack thereof. It's funny, having HAD long-term relationships is seen as a good thing, usually. Having never had one is "worrying". Can't commit. Can't make it work. No stamina? Blah.

I can't imagine why it's seen so negatively. Spending 3, 4, 5 years with a person - just to find out they were wrong for you anyway and that it was, essentially, a waste of both of your time, isn't something to brag about. It's fine. It happens. It's not a sign of a person being any more reliable or committal than any other.

My housemate/schoolfriend sometimes bemoans having never had one. Ridiculous. I've only had one, and, despite the fact it had a huge, interesting, devastating, enriching, and eye-opening effect on me, and my life... I've honestly, arguably, learned more from the shorter ones.

The ones that've lasted an hour and half.
The ones that've lasted two dates (if even).
Two weeks.
Two months.
What have you!

It's no harm - and no measure of a person - to have never had a long-term "thing". It happens, it's life, and it's fairly unremarkable, really... and mostly up to chance, or mistakes (which can indeed happen to even the most discerning daters.)

It's no more remarkable, in fact, than a person who jumps from one long-term thing to the next, with mere hours between (you know who you are!) It's not a badge of honour. Neither bad, nor good. Just the way it is.

Just saying....

HOW did I miss this?

National Punctuation Day was yesterday. There I was, raising my drink to Arthur (and parsnips..), when I should have also saved a toast for this wonderful, noble holiday. My new favourite holiday, in fact. 'Till Halloween, at least. (If it even lasts that long...)

I was reading an award-winning novel the other day and there were countless, blatant mistakes that really took from the story. It's hard to concentrate and lose yourself in the text when you come across a sentence that must be re-read. Shame. Great story.

This is it, though; great writers aren't necessarily great editors...
And vice-versa.

Being back in college is weird. It'll be a while before I get back into this internet obsession thing. I shook it off over the summer but it's coming back, I think. Means I'll spend more time here.

Probably not, 'though... I'll be quite busy this year. Scared? Nah. Projects seem doable. Altogether I've come up with about 30 different ideas; between dissertation ideas, radio package ideas, articles, etc... I need one good idea for each assignment. All different. All I've come up with to date are... well... shit.

Terrible. Rubbish. But, there's 30 of them. And the more shitty ones I come up with, the closer I get to the good ones. Maybe I could even dust off some old ideas, or really twist and mould these shit ones into something resembling a possibility.

We'll see.

Rough night ahead. Long story. Wishing for a migraine to get me out of it... No luck so far. Fuckers are never around when I need them. And I pulled enough fake ones in secondary school to know it's not worth it - people stop taking you seriously and you end up in HELL when you DO get an attack and no one accepts your excuses, or has any sympathy.