Numb

Watching stupid top kerrang hits of the '00s. I forgot how in love with this song I was.

Released 2003?
Impossible.

Hear about Rage getting the Christmas #1 in Britain? (#2 in Ireland - we're just less cool, I guess! Still, wouldn't it be AMAZING if it were included on all the christmas compilation albums from now on? hehe. Also, apparently sweet li'l Joe was "delighted" to have reached the "New Year's No.1" in Britain. Smiles and publicity. Wait, I'm sorry, but I've never, ever, EVER heard talk of a new year's chart before......)

Aaaanyway... at a recent (brilliant) house party, had an argument with a canadian guy over when rage's masterpiece originally come out/was popular.

"It's funny how it got big around the time of the twin towers.. there's more to that than people realise, I think," says he..

"No dude... It was out WAY before then. I remember listening to it when I was 14"

"Uh, Yeah! In 2001, right?"

I thought for a secs......
"Fuck..."

Ok, the dude was still COMPELTELY wrong* and a bit of a conspiracy loon, but the point is, I can't believe how long ago that was. Watching the planes on TV. 8'n'a bit years ago!? Insane.

Time does fly.

*('twas released on MY BIRTHDAY back in '92, fyi! ^_^)

Back to my roots.

I was at a metal gig in Limerick last night.
Hero in Error - Dublin band.
They're alright! But it was just... so... much... fun. So energizing. I miss that shit.

There's nothing better than a metal gig. Nothing. The first PROPER, big, open-air concert I was ever at was Metallica at the RDS in '04. And I will never forget it as long as I live.

I remember that ticket was the first Valentine's present I had ever gotten. And I still think it was the best. It was a hell of a risk on his part, if ya think about it – we’d only been together about 2 weeks! And the gig was in June!

I got him a joke-gift. Y'know… We hadn't been together very long, and I thought it'd be cool.
It...erm...wasn't... especially when he proudly presented me with my very thoughtful, expensive gift, and heartfelt card.

***

We got to Dublin. Way, way too early. And it was way, way too sunny. We stopped by Asha in Steven’s Green – I bought a cool “…And Justice” necklace and a horrible top. I got it because it wasn’t too bulky, and had Metallica written on it, but just tied it ‘round my waist for the day. Horrible. Wore the necklace, though. Still do the odd time, even though it’s broken.

So, into the queue. My head was burning. I suspected I was getting a migraine - nooooo! I'd soldier through it. Standing in the sun, mostly in black (blergh. too warm!), glaring at the awkward twits in support-band Tees. (the sheer cheek!)

I was nervous. I thought about the big crowd and the crush and getting shoved around. Everyone was a lot bigger, and badder-looking than me. Except for a few scrawny Slipknot fans (with their trade-mark bad tattoos).

We got into the RDS and headed for the main arena. Lost Prophets were first. I grabbed C’s hand and practically dragged him through crowds of mean-looking biker-types… their piercings and sweaty foreheads glistening in the sun. I thought, if I wanted to be at the front, this was my best chance. Lost Prophets fans were bound to be the easiest to push through. And I made it! About half-way through their set, I was within reaching-distance of the barrier.

What was I wearing… Red boots (very uncomfortable – but flat at least), probably teamed’m with a skirt, which I can safely assume was black (but I don’t remember…), and a red sleeveless Punky Fish top which, at the time, I thought was the COOLEST thing EVER. (Uncomfortably tight, it had a zip all the way up the front, and back. So, in theory, you could rip it in two. Unnecessary, and clearly asking for trouble, but no one ever went there! It used to catch on my belly-button piercing... Ick. I couldn’t wear it these days – it being disgracefully tacky and all…)

So, the poor Profs got booed off the stage. The biggest cheer they got was for mentioning the word “Metallica”. A hail of bottles and abuse. A friend of C’s chucked something that hit one of them in the head. Really feel bad about that. I didn’t join in. They’re not a bad band. The crowd just wanted to emphasise that they didn’t belong there. It wasn’t cool. But… I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hilarious.

“Thanks for your fucking support.” And they sauntered huffily off stage.
Some skinhead guy in front of us shouted; “Don’t listen to them guys! I still love you! Woooo!”

Well… that’s nice!

***

So, my head’s getting quite sore… this is gonna be one of the BADder migraines… but all I had to do was get through Slipknot. And at least we were at the front!
“Aoife, I’m getting a little claustrophobic… can we go back?”
Are you kidding me?!? But, dutifully, I took his hand and barged my way back out. It was nice to have a little space. I guess.
My head was killing me.

***

So, I never really liked Slipknot. Bang bang bang music. Boiler-suits and stupid masks. Seemed a little too theatrical and…well… y’know… just didn’t understand their appeal. And don’t think calling your fans “maggots” is very nice.

They charged on stage. Crowd freaked out. I started to kinda get into it. Their music blasted the pain right out of my head. Maybe it was adrenaline, maybe it was the frequency of the bang bang bangs, maybe it was that I’d taken the top from around my waist and draped it over my head to keep the sun off… but I couldn’t feel a thing. Nice one! I started hoppin’ around, whippin’ my hair about, tried to encourage C to get into the mini-mosh pit that’d formed near-by, and, when he wouldn’t, bounced in myself. Wooooo!

(By the way, C’s coming across badly in this, but bear in mind he wasn’t feeling great. Food-poisoning from Subway the day before. He got a card for free subs for a year because of it! But never really took full advantage of it. Which pissed me off no end.)

Some guy fell on the ground. Oh my God he’s going to die.

“BACK OFF! FUCKING BACK OFF!” – some massive hairy giant parted the crowds, picked the guy up and grumbled; “You ok man?”
“Yeah.. thanks!”

Metal fans are so nice! Anywhere else and he’d’ve been trampled. It’s not violence for the sake of it – it’s a bit of rough ’n tumble, and all in the name of fun, and they look out for each other. I couldn’t believe it. I had nothing to worry about.

Suddenly some psycho a few feet away starts roaring: “Get the FUCK down! GET THE FUCK DOWN!”

?????

The music was dying down. I looked around and everyone – everyone – tens of thousands of black-clad fans were on their hunkers on the ground. C was too. I got the fuck down. Confused. Going with it.

And then, with thunderous drums, the music went ballistic and the whole RDS leapt to its feet and roared and trashed around and oh… my God…

I understood now. I’ve never bought a CD of theirs, but I’d LOVE to go to another gig. They are phenomenal live. They send the crowds into a frenzy. It’s an helluva rush! ^_^

***

Away from the main arena, sprawled on the grass, moaning.
“How can I help?”
“I dunno. Step on my head. No. Get me some chocolate or something.”
The minute the music stopped, the pain came back. I didn’t know if I could take much more. What fucking awful timing. My day is ruined.
He came back with the chocolate. It didn't help.
“They’ll be on any minute.”
I got up and shuffled miserably alongside him, and we headed back to the fray.

***

Just as we came through the passage-thing, Ecstasy of Gold started up. That’s Metallica’s entrance music, borrowed from an old western, promising something great.
The scene opened out in front of us, entrance music still soaring, and I got this tightness in my chest, and butterflies, and something else too. It was overwhelming. The crowd seemed to have doubled, tripled in size. I know people say this a lot, but you actually COULD feel the excitement and anticipation. It felt like I’d been waiting forever for this. We all had. Thousands and thousands of fans. And these heroes – these absolute legendary men – standing there. They were right there. Right in fucking front of us.

And they opened with the first song on my favourite album and I freaked - out. Blackened. One of the best intros to any song ever. Really got the gig going. Migraine didn’t even exist anymore.

When it was over, and we were sufficiently revved up (they were starting things on a high that was to continue…)
Hetfield:
“Gimme an M!”
“Gimme an E!”
“Gimme a T!”
“… GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE!” – Fuel!! Not the best song, and a pretty obvious way to introduce it, but still, UNREAL!!

And it went on and on and got better and better. And the sun was gone. And the stage was radiant. I called a friend (who nearly cried) and held my phone on high, to join the thousands of others, during Nothing Else Matters.

A pyramid of about 20 smelly men formed over to the right somewhere. I can’t remember what comment Hetfield made about that, but I remember it was hilarious.

Hammett was mesmerising.
Lars was…Lars!
And that large, hulking dude (who was the newbie then and, to me, still is) was actually pretty cool.

And they apologised for having forgotten to play Whiskey in the Jar the previous year. And proceeded to play the HELL out of it to make up for it.

And they closed with Seek and Destroy and we were left angry, breathless, and on a wild rush – I’ve never felt so high.

And when it all went quiet, and I came back down to earth……
“… Ow… oh fuck… ow…”
Remember me? Migraine’s back!
Ah, fuck it, it was worth it.
One of the best memories I’m lucky enough to have.

***

I love all different kinds of music. And all sorts of gigs are great. But... nothing compares to the pumping adrenaline ya get from good, old-fashioned metal... :)

"Start it off with a Positive Jam"

I'm feeling more like myself today than I have in a long time. It's great! I took the night off work - yes, I'm down €50, and no, I can't work another night to make it up... but Who. Fucking. Cares.
I had a night off and it felt great.

Bowm Baahow-wowm pah bow'wowm bah dap waaaow... Positive Jam's stuck in my head and I loooove it...

I felt so, so sick and tired earlier. I wasn't even in work for very long - I was so dreading the idea of it, doubled over with a migraine for most of the morning, and I couldn't face going in 'till the afternoon. On my way in, I text a friend and thank GOD he said he'd cover for me tonight because I just couldn't face it.

I don't think I seemed too out of sorts, though. A little, but not nearly as much as I felt; which is always a triumph.

Right now though, I'm anything but out of sorts. Tonight was... therapeutic! And badly needed!

The typing seems to be keeping my roommate up, so I'll keep this short.

I tidied my room this evening. And I mean, REALLY. Reorganised everything, found stuff I forgot I owned, tried on clothes I can't remember even buying, cleaned out all the crap - I now know where everything is, I feel good, and I did it ALL listening to a playlist of what was my favourite music for years!

Old metal albums, bitta Floyd (although I kept skipping to the next song about a minute in - they bore me when I'm not "in the mood" for them, if ya know what I mean!) Lots of Punkins.. love them... bit of old skool punk and chillies and a whole host of surprises from the dozens of old mix cds I made/received over the years that have some of the most bizarre music on'm - God I miss this stuff!

Also, favourite album at the moment? The Hold Steady - Almost Killed Me. Where has this band been all my life?!

For my 21st back in November I got €50 of HMV vouchers and bought CDs for the first time since I was 16. And, feeling a little adventurous, decided I'd go for stuff that I had an inkling I'd like, but that was different to what I'd usually listen to. I didn't allow myself pick up any album by any band who I could name a song by.

So, as well as that fanTAStic CD, I got Narrow Stairs by Death Cab for Cutie (it's ok - I don't LOVE it though... anyone else think the singer's very Placebo-ey?)
And Love's Forever Changes that a friend recommended aaaages ago and that I'd been meaning to check out (didn't strike the chord with me that he insisted it would, but still, happy with my purchase. Different. Very different. And I love different.)

I forgot how much I like music.

I wanna watch Almost Famous again.

I should get that DVD.

God I'm in a great mood. :) I'd forgotten myself in all the busy hectic dramatic bullcrap. More nights off. More music. More gigs, too.. Thursday was fan-fucking-tabulous.

Yes, I hate that word too, but I used "fantastic" earlier and didn't realise till I'd already typed the "fan" part and had to go somewhere with it!

Ha!

Goodnight!

PS - got meself a webcam. I'm thinkin of giving this "Vlogging" lark a go. Any tips?

Moon River

The more I have to think about, the more I feel like I need free time to think.
The more free time I have, the more I seem to find to think about - the more that's on my mind, I mean. There's no balance. There's no shutting my mind up.

I had a short, fun, night out; abruptly ended by a bad mood brought on by a migraine that just wouldn't budge, despite the painkillers and the forced good mood.

All in all though, it's ok. :) Little things remind me of that line in Desiderata;
"With all it's sham, drudgery, and broken dreams.. it is still a beautiful world"

I'm watching Breakfast at Tiffany's. Well, half watching, half writing this and half* watching facebook to see who's online...
It's that song more than anything. Don't get me wrong - the movie's wonderful - I could watch it on a loop for a week and still love it! But it's the song... Moon River... I love it so much. It's so.. soothing. I hum it to myself when I need to. And it always works. To calm, to relax, to settle myself.. I don't even know why it means what it means to me - it's not the lyrics, certainly. It's something in the sound that just...clicks into whatever I need to be clicking into and everything settles down.
And miracles happen. Odd things happen - little odd things like a traffic light going red just as I come to the crossing, or a driver stopping for me when he needn't, or a librarian saying i needn't pay the late fee - for no reason other than kindness, or a friend texting or calling out of the blue when I feel stressed and alone, or a stranger offering an unprovoked compliment... little everyday miracles happen when I hum that song. And when I sing it out - at the top of my lungs - when the street around me's empty and it's dark and it rings in the night and floats off to meet the traffic noises and sirens and silence - I know the world's looking after me.

Something is.

I guess the song just..reminds me of that. And everything, really.

It doesn't fit with any one particular person or memory or moment - the song just seems to fit with everything. Like in B at T's...it's the backdrop to every scene - they've a jazzy version for the party scene, a sad version when they need it, culminating with Audrey singing it on her window with that weird headscarf on her head..

Like in the movie where it fits in every scene...it fits with everything. Good moods and bad. It's my song right now. So, this is my movie right now.

And it's not even MY dvd! :)

*I know; too many halves. Get over it. :P

What's another word for Reflection?

Here's a nifty little New Year's survey that I nicked from a girl's blog who nicked it from a different girl's blog....

One way to look back on 2008... You should steal it too!!! Lots of fun! And if you DO, please comment me with a link to your post! Would love to read it. :)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Cried watching a movie
Got invited to a hen party
Bumped into Enda Kenny outside specsavers - walked into the middle of the group of gathered press and asked him a question he couldn't answer(!!)
Watched someone die.
Legal Smoke
Got a loan
Had a hugely successful, perfect birthday party that didn't end up a horrific mess/disappointment
Asked Martin O Neill (Aston V manager) AND the President of Ireland a question for an RTE Radio 1 show
Slept in a hospital.
Had my own (simple, shitty, but nonetheless awesome) Radio Show with my friends
Made an eejit of myself in front of Des Bishop
Started wearing heels outside of "special occasions"
Got some sort of idea of what part of Journalism I'm actually interested in and can see myself doing
Worked security at a music festival - and confiscated drugs!
Had my first real Irish-language 9-5 job
X
Got a taste for whiskey
Worked in a bar
Left the house without makeup (ok I've done it before, but not since I was a kid)
Started to take blogging seriously(ish)
Had a panic attack (several, actually! Spaced-out enough that I'm not worried..)
Entered a singer-songwriter competition and WON!! (funny story...)
Tried to make amends with certain people
Let go of stuff I'd been holding for YEARS - guilt and shame and all that jazz... poof! Had a little epiphany and feel lighter than air since. (see Q7!)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't give up smoking. I'll try again - and for the meantime I'll try switch to rollies to save money. I didn't read Ulysses. I'll try that again too. Maybe read portrait one more time to get back into the groove/mindset..
I'm gonna try drink less alcohol and more water, hang out in CnaG less (for my sanity), dress up more often, stop being late for everything, and make more time for myself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, actually.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My aunt. It was terrible. It still is.

5. What countries did you visit?
The US! This time the Devil went down to...Virginia! It was FABULOUS! Mental house party. Taught the 'mericans how it's done. Did a photo-shoot! (still waitin on the pics! told I came out lookin' very "Pin-up" - aaaaagh how cool?!)
Also had some..interesting debates and got some...interesting insights into some people so alien to me, but so fascinating.
Had a little epiphany of sorts there, too.. And all my vague shimmery beliefs finally solidified - I know what I've always known, but know it properly now. (ramble! sorry! explain later perhaps..)

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
More time for travelling and reading. Less to do. More surprises! More of EVERYTHING. I don't think '08 lacked much - I just think I need '09 to be different in a lot of ways; for variety's sake!
I wanna be more spontaneous! I used to be the most spontaneous person I knew - now cos I'm so busy I can only be spontaneous the rare time that I have TIME to be - which isn't very freaking spontaneous!
So, more time for myself and for random acts of madness.
Also, must kiss more boys! Been "living like a nun" and - though I'm not going to stop being choosy and CERTAINLY won't be kissing just for the SAKE of it - it couldn't hurt to loosen up a bit. I can count the boys I've kissed this year on one hand - pathetic!!

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
April 1st - April Fool's Day!
The 5th of November - the day before my birthday! Had that Mini-epiphany I mentioned in Q1 that day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting through it without running out of energy! ha!
Nah.. Winning the Singer Songwriter competition maybe? That was pretty brilliant! Or having my little radio show.. or being a part of the newly-launched, first-of-its-kind and very successful Irish-language Accom. scheme of DIT. *grin*
I dunno. Lots!! It was a whirlwind of a year.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not trusting my instincts when I ought to have. And not making enough time for my friends. or myself. And missing most of this past semester of college.
But, fuck it. Nothing that can't be remedied! No real regrets. Never regret!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
The flu a few times, a bunch of migraines, laryngitis, hangovers... otherwise I'm good!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Dresses!! I rarely buy dresses. And my tickets to go to Virginia and see Cass!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-My best friend who's livin' in Virginia, 'cos she's carved out an awesome little life for herself and 'cos she's a gorgeous creature with a gargantuan heart.
-My roommate, 'cos she's one of THE most outstanding, drop-dead fabulous, uninhibited, hilarious people I know. Also for her unwavering faith in true love that keeps me believin' when I need to... also, the ONLY one I could EVER share a room with without murdering.
-My cousin for getting engaged to the world's nicest guy.
-My entire family and extended family - for their strength in what was a bitch of a year.
-My dad - in general.
-A certain lecturer who made me realise it's ok to slow down and stop insisting on being "on top of everything" - for once.
-A certain friend who was the bigger person and made the first move to mend things. He did something I doubt I would have been brave enough to do.
-Same friend deserves a second mention - for making me laugh harder than I have in ages and being there when I didn't want to go home yet. (What was at home anyway? Another sleepless night?)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone who disappointed me.. but it's my fault. I thought they were something they weren't.
I don't think it's fair to say anything much here... Actually, read My Letter for more details... Though that covers more than just this year!
Was a bit appalled with myself at times - need to be less hard on everyone: Especially ME!!
**Here's a first for me.. a bible reference!!! (wha-???)
Luke 6:41-42 Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, 'Friend, let me take out the speck in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye.
**I do that! Logs and Specks and suchalike.. I'm very quick to jump on people - but I think (most of the time) I see in them a little bit of something that I HATE about myself.. and hate them for it!!

14. Where did most of your money go?
Cigarettes, Drink and Taxis. And Bagels. Those damn addictive stupid feckin' bagels. And Pizza! Why move when the food can come to you?

15. What did you really, really, really get excited about?
-Seeing Cassie.
-Seeing Combichrist and getting a picture with their (highly amused) lead singer. (Sir, could I get a photo with you? - he shat himself laughing at my un-coolness..)
Check the cheesy grin:

Here he is NORMALLY:

See? I can make the scariest of men grin like fools! :P
-My 21st!
-Our little radio show - I got butterflies every week!
-That odd little Sunday morning a few weeks ago.
-New Year's Night (for some reason - what a letdown..)
-Patching up an old friendship and making something new and brilliant out of what I thought was, and always would be, solid-gold shit!
-New stuff. New stuff that dawned on me and that opened my eyes.

17. Compared to this time last year are you:
Happier? Yes! Every day I feel happier than yesterday. It's nuts. But, good nuts... Brazil nuts! Y'know they lift your mood? Or so I've read..
Thinner? Nah! Same! I assume! I weigh myself about once in a blue mood... (that was meant to be moon - typo? or Freudian slip?? You decide..)
Richer? HA!! No. More in debt than ever and generally fucked money-wise.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Dancing. Kissing. Hugging. Singing. Writing. Reading. Relaxing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Nothing! It was all worthwhile in one way or another.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
It was a blur of nights out, over-eating, over-sleeping, and ODing on movie-nights in with the family..
The night before Christmas Eve I went on a MAD night out in Limerick.
Christmas Eve night I went to dinner with my family and wrapped presents.
Christmas Day was spent at home. Eating. Mass. Tv. Movies. Carey Grant box set opened and made good use of.
Steven's Night - mad night out. Confessed to an old friend that I've liked him for all the years I've known him. Stupid Drunk Aoife! He has a girlfriend!
((Drunk Aoife: "But he's ALWAYS had a feckin girlfriend! It's not fair!"
Me: Shut up for fuck sake..))

21. How did you spend new years?
Another mad night out. Less drama. Sadly, also had less fun. Too much absynthe, wasted money and walking around in the cold, too little sense, dancing, and energy. (had a stupid flu also - did NOT help mood)

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yep. And out again.

23. How many one-night stands?
None! Christ! Some question!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Lincs - 'cos it's my "ok go to bed now" signal, and actually quite funny in parts..
Coupling - 'cos they're all just awful people.
Sex and the City - 'cos it's the law.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No. i try not to hate anyone. Anyone I dislike probably isn't worth the effort of hating - you need a degree of respect for a person in order to be able to hate them with any real zeal, in my opinion.


26. What was the best book you read?
The Five People You Meet in Heaven - it's lovely.
Also, am reading the Secret at the moment. Fascinating; Even just the psychology that's behind it.

27. What was your biggest musical discovery?
Interference! And Imogen Heap (yes yes I'm a little behind - I know!)

28. What did you want and you got?
Almost everything, actually! :D

29. What did you want and not get?
Only a couple of things... a winning lotto ticket, a kiss goodbye from that silly, shy, big-eyed boy.. (but that would have probably been a bad idea anyway), a reply from certain old friends I'd love to get back in touch with...

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Wall-E - the sort of shit that makes me wish I HAD pursued animation seriously...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old did you turn?
I turned 21 and it was wonderful.. I had a few mad nights in Dublin to celebrate on and around the actual DAY of my birthday, then I made a few changes in my life and felt GREAT about myself by the time I got to my real, official party at home in Limerick a few weeks later - with family and friends and finger-food and sing-songs and mulled wine and music and reminiscing and laughter and dancing in the kitchen and a big smile on everyone's face.
AND... a killer outfit ;)

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More time! Longer days!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
For the first 80% of the year 'twas largely lazy and casual and thrown-together outfits with runners and odd-socks. Now - making more of an effort to make an effort! I have nice stuff, I should wear it!

34. What kept you sane?
Cigarettes, friends, and talking to myself!

35. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
Steve from Sex and the City - not the actor, the character.
Carey Grant..
Still adore Jeff Goldblum. And Billy Corgan's voice (with a different face)
Hold on.... Am I really that sad...?
Oh!! Also LOVE whoever played Skye in Mama Mia. GrrrOWaar!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Lisbon Vote. And everything becoming so warped..
Budget. Need say no more.

37. Who did you miss?
Cassie. My parents, sis and brother when I'm off in Dublin all the time..
Certain old friends who wouldn't reply.

38. Who was the best person you met?
I didn't meet anyone strikingly awesome who was new to my life... but I did discover new sides to people I already knew and found out they were more incredibly cool than I realised.
I rediscovered a few people too.. which was very nice.. It's always nice.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
That I'm my own worst critic and need to give myself a break. A lot of breaks.
That I'm a bit of a commitmentphobe, people-pleaser, and control-freak - and that it's ok to be!
That people can, and will, surprise you.
That NO amount of blood, sweat and tears can make a relationship work if it doesn't work - and that that's no one's fault.

40. Quote or Song Lyric that sums up your year:
I dunno, to be honest..
This might give you some idea.. I should pick one of those songs.. or a line from Desiderata.. can't think of anything at the moment that sums everything up - far too much happened!!
"I did it my way!" maybe? ha..

Moment

I read some old emails today… I tend to save the ones I know I’ll regret sending. Reading back on them days/weeks/months/years later helps me see how far I’ve come, and how far I have yet to go. Life goal? Conquer myself; have complete control of me. And, trust me, I will.

My housemate’s downstairs in the flat below us, and I can't sleep because the music’s blaring – but it’s American Pie, a song I must admit I quite like, so I’m in my living room singing along to a party I’m not at! But, with the paper-thin walls and floors we have, it’s not the first time either. And, y'know, there’s something really soothing about it… Comforting? And annoying. Odd combination..!

I really ought to go to sleep. It’s 5am and I have a lecture at 9 that I really need to be at.

A lot of things became clear tonight. Two posts ago (“Awake”) I spoke about not coming to the conclusion I was workin’ on; seemingly heading towards… I walked home again tonight and think I’ve finally got it. I think. Though there's not much to get. And reading the old I'm-Gonna-Regret-This-Email collection helped straighten things out in my head.

It's a good idea to save emails before sending them, wait an hour, or even a day, then re-read them before actually hitting "Send." A good idea that can stop you making a big mistake, but, seeing as I'm ME I rarely stop myself, and within seconds I'm like... oops.

Right now my arm itches, my feet hurt, my hair needs a wash tomorrow, and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm always feeling overwhelmed. I've been advised by more than a few people to give up some, or even just one, of my many commitments, jobs, and stuff I'm involved in. I would never. Not now! Life is for living, and I don't care how much I exhaust myself doing it. I love everything I do, and even if I'm buckaroo and about to kick off, I want more and more! I wanna push my limits. I was idle and bored (and borING) for long enough.

At least one of my most demanding, draining "commitments" is out of the picture now... even if he'll always be right there on the edge looking in.

Playlist

(1) Songs I Love

Dreaming - Blondie
Kiss Me Deadly - Generation X
Boy in the Bubble - Paul Simon
Cain and Abel - Interference
Breakfast at Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something
Sic Transit Gloria, Glory Fades - Brand New
Ocean Walk - Astronautalis
Disarm - The Smashing Pumpkins
Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler
Vermillion Pt. 2 - Slipknot
Wherever You Will Go - The Calling
Handbags and Gladrags - Stereophonics version
Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day
Gold - Interference
Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson
Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon - Urge Overkill
Irreplaceable - Beyonce
Paradise By The Dashboard Light - Meatloaf
Summer of '69 - Brian Adams
The Green Fields of France - Any version
Whiter Shade of Pale - Procol Harum
Jaan Pechechaan Ho - No clue, but was on the Ghostworld soundtrack
Man on the Moon - REM
How To Save A Life - The Fray
Hurt - Nine Inch Nails (much more raw, honest and true to the lyrics than Johnny Cash's version)
...And Justice for All - Metallica
Fairytale of New York - The Pogues and Kirsty McCall
It's Too Late - The Streets
Cemetary Gates - Pantera
No Leaf Clover - Metallica
America - Simon and Garfunkle
Ghetto Gospel - 2pac feat. Elton John
Bad Day - Daniel Powter


(2) Songs that strike some sorta chord with me..

Caladonia - whoever sings it!
Something Pretty - Patrick Park
The Places You Have Come To Fear the Most - Dashboard Confessional
Drops of Jupiter - Train
The Perfect Fit - The Dresden Dolls
Unpretty - TLC
The Dance - Garth Brooks
Holding My Own - The Darkness
I'm Not Okay - My Chemical Romance
I've Got Friends in Low Places - Garth Brooks
Easier to Run - Linkin Park
Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
I Hope You Dance - Dolly Parton's version
City of Blinding Lights - U2
Vindicated - Dasboard Confessional
What I've Got - Sublime
The Piano Man - Billy Joel
Born Slippy - Underworld
Blurry - Puddle of Mudd
Desperado - The Eagles


(3) Songs That Break/Broke/Slightly Irritate My Heart

Awake - Dashboard Confessional
I Miss You - Blink 182
Romeo and Juliet - Dire Straits
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
Voice of the Soul - Death
Heaven - Brian Adams
Prelude in E Minor - Frederic Chopin
Fade to Black - Metallia
A Rainy Night In Soho - The Pogues
Letters to You - Finch
Gabriel - Lamb
More Than Words - Extreme
Viva Forever - The Spice Girls
Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
Fast Cars - Tracy Chapman
Signal Fire - Snow Patrol

Awake

I was walking home, and, odd as this may seem, when I couldn't get a taxi I assumed it was because I wasn't finished thinking.

That tends to happen to me, I'll be at a bus stop or something, thinking about something that's on my mind, and I can be there for what feels like hours for a bus that's scheduled every few minutes, until I come round to some conclusion - some genius conclusion.. Then, and only then, the bus comes.

It's almost as if I'm meant to wait.

So, it was unusual that I couldn't get a cab and, therefore, I assumed that, by the end of the walk, I'd have some sort of resolution.
But I'm home now and I haven't.

I still feel confused, although strangely light. Lighter than I've felt in a long time. So I went online. I don't know why.. Maybe cos no one in their right (or wrong) mind is still awake at this ungodly hour.. And maybe I needed something to do. I certainly can't sleep with this unfinished thought process.

I'm asking myself why. Why can't I come to that magic conclusion I usually come to.. How long do I have to stay awake for.. Or do I need to sleep on it?

Dashboard Confessional...a band I'm embarrassed to like as much as I do... have a song called Awake, which is in my head right now. That, and Drops of Jupiter. Which is equally vague and confusing. And which kept popping up today. I heard it everywhere. Why are they in my head?

Well.... I've a better chance of sleeping if I log off I suppose.

The Littlest Security Guard

When reading this, bear in mind I'm 5'7", blonde and have no experience whatsoever doing security. I guess I get asked to do these sorta things because I'm the sort of impulsive person who goes, sure to hell with it - why not!


So, late last Friday, I was on my way home from Dublin to Limerick (4hours on bus) to spend a nice quiet weekend with my family.

My friend Aisling calls me out of the blue – quick! 16 people who were supposed to do security ran off - taking their Access-All-Areas wristband with them. We’re in a lot of trouble and REALLY short-staffed – you in?

Why not! I tell my parents when I come in the door... "Sorry, I can’t stay long… Know how I couldn’t afford to go to Oxegen? Well… I’m going for free!"

10am the next morning I’m back in Kildare at the Oxegen music festival and ready to start work.

I’ve never experienced anything like it.

Where was I stationed? Only the Dance Arena – the epicentre of all the drugs, violence, and general dodginess at the festival! I’m sick to death of dance music after it (been hearing the “nnsk nnsk nnsk” in my head ever since!!)

You may think “wow cool! Being paid to go to a festival!!!” And that’s what I thought. But, no, not so cool. Throwing water at people, throwing people out, beind sicked on, carrying drunk girls to Med-centre, breaking up fights, wading through muck and mud, checking the portaloos for drug-dealers, guarding barriers, stomping tablets into the floor, trying to talk sense to people who's eyes are popping out of their heads...

The only act I got to see was the very last one of the weekend, just before I ran for my bus (had work at 9 the following morning!) And that act was… Rage against the Machine!!! Absolutely AMAZING gig, I saw the last hour of it (so really didn’t miss much) including their dazzlingly good encore…

Naturally they closed with Killing in the Name Of, and, even though I ran for the bus immediately after, I was an hournahalf late for work this morning. So… exhausted…

But, who cares!!! They were the only band I REALLY wanted to see and were mind-blowingly good and it was free… apart from the soul-destroying labour…!

Saw some crazy stuff over the course of the weekend. Being sober, and spending the whole time watching the (wasted drunk) crowd like a hawk, means you see some really REALLY odd goings-on! Here are some of the weirdest moments:

Told a fello to put out his cigarette (no smoking/cans/bottles allowed in Dance Arena building) and… he took it out of his mouth, turned it backwards, and put it back into his mouth. Quenching it with his tongue. I gaped at him and he smirked at me (cig still in mouth!) and, speechless, I walked on!

Roughly snatched a can out of a guy’s hand and yelled at him… he turned out to be one of the DJs – oops.

Saw 3 girls stooped on ground in front of a Portaloo, went to investigate. As I got to them, they were just standing up and one girl was showing the others a handful of E tablets (about 15 maybe) – as I couldn’t prove they were theirs (they insisted they’d just picked them up) I just took them away and said nothing to them, then threw them in a puddle of filthy portaloo-run-off water and stomped them into dust, then kicked mud over them and went back inside. 5 minutes later, another security guard tells me he saw a guy (in aviator glasses and a Hunter S-style hat) on his hands and knees picking around in the puddle and eating them. Urgh.

Asleep in fellow-security-guard’s Chicky-chento in the security carpark, and in the middle of the night the lads (all big securty-type fellas) picked the car – and us – up and spun us around, shook us, bounced us, and left us down a few meters from where we started (pointing a different direction) - I was so tired that I slept right through it! I didn’t even hear my Aisling (the other guard in car with me) screaming “FUCK OFF LADS!!!! COP THE FUCK ON!!” as we were held in the air (strong sleeper I guess!!)

Was asked HUNDREDS of times by people whether I would sell them the stuff I’d confiscated. Unbelievable! (Besides, anything I found was MINE!)

Fella from the Fratellies got in fight with one of the other guards – pulled the whole “don’t you know who I am?!” routine when told he couldn’t exit through an entrance-only door.

It was nice that I got to see Rage, (and buy a tshirt!) but I don’t know if I’d go again. It was good craic in the security carpark (drinkin all the confiscated cans and bottles and stuff – very cool!) but the hours were too much, 15hours Saturday – no break (and only got to sit down when on toilet – that was pretty much it.) and 11 hours on Sunday with a 10 minute break… Ate out “dinner” (our only meal in whole day) standing at our posts.

Feet still killing me.

Also saw 2 dudes dressed up as the 11850 guys.

And that’s not even the half of it…!

A Star is Born!

A short (true) story about one girl (me) and her wild, stab-in-the-dark attempt at starting a music career.

So, a few months ago at Karaoke night in the Village, I was getting off the stage after doing Blondie’s “Call Me” when a woman approached me. “That was great! Are you a singer?” Being drunk (as is the norm at karaoke-related events) I replied, “I am yeah!!”

Then I realised she was serious. “Well, no, I’m not. I just love Karaoke!” “Well, you SHOULD be,” she said, “I’m a producer and I think you’re very talented!” Then she gave me her email address and told me to let her know if I ever chanced writing a song.

I couldn’t believe it! Now, prior to this I’d never really been the type to dream of being a singer. Well, obviously I wouldn’t have minded the money, but it wasn’t something I ever thought about. I know loads of people dream of it – but I was Karaoke queen and that’s all I wanted to be! I loved singing, but it’s not a “real” choice, is it? Not for me. But that comment, and the few emails we exchanged afterwards, lit a fire.

I put my name down for a singer-songwriter/comedian open-mic night on March 18th in the Ha’penny Bridge Inn, Temple Bar; an event called “the Battle of the Axe.” Seeing as it was MILES in the future I thought; how hard can it be to throw two songs together? I’ve always loved writing, I love singing, and any idiot can rhyme. Also, I used to play piano so think I have a fairly “ok” ear for music.

Aaaand the weeks went by and I kept putting off practicing. I was busy, and forgot about it, and played every once in a while and had two songs in mind – one finished, one that wouldn’t work out no matter how I tried. But I was sure it’d be fine!

I decided I’d pick up the guitar again. I’d only ever played for like a year, and had never been very good, but hey, I have WEEKS before the show, right? But when the 18th came I didn’t feel very ready at all! And, luckily, I ended up going to Connemara that week on a college-funded trip. So I postponed. The new date? April Fool’s Day. (How appropriate...)

So, the big night arrives. My brother came up from Cork to see me. A bunch of friends from my drama group came too. So did Fiona, one of my best friends, and Eanna, my boyfriend at the time. I had quite a nice fan-base even before I started – great!

Well... Alright. I’ll start by saying it was a lot of fun, and went well, but not quite in the way I’d planned!

On arrival I was told I’d be the first act of the second half – excellent! I had time to get some Dutch Courage into me! So I headed straight for the bar... and dropped my first drink immediately after pouring the redbull into the vodka. Shite! My hands were shaking with nerves. A friend bought me a replacement, which I made quick work of. I was dying for it to be over and playing the chords in my head – don’t forget the order they go in! Don’t forget the words!!

There were a bunch of stand-up comedians and some really amazing musicians in the first half. Oh no... BUT I assured myself I’d be fine – for the previous three days I’d done a lot of practice, grown a few blisters on my fingertips (from the guitar) and, besides, I had the chords all written down on a tiny piece of paper which I safety-pinned to my knee. What could possibly go wrong!?

The musician who ended the first half – who was very talented – helped me tune my guitar and gave me some words of encouragement. He even promised to buy me a drink afterwards, which cheered me up immediately!

So, they called my name. I got on stage, bringing a chair with me (because if I’d been standing up I wouldn’t have been able to read the notes on my knee!) The place was packed. And everyone was bloody looking at me!!! I introduced myself, and then froze. I was nervous, my hands were the only things that weren’t frozen – they were shaking!! – and, for what felt like forever, I sat there like a rabbit in headlights. Then I started laughing at myself. “Sorry, I’m a little nervous. I don’t often do this sort of thing, or, like, NEVER.” Dead silence – oh no!! Say something else!!

“Am... as you can see, I’m more of a sit-down comedian!” Silence. Ouch. “Sorry that was awful,” I muttered, “stick to the music Aoife... leave that to the real comics...” I got a laugh for that one. Hallelujah! Then I said “ok, sorry, just a sec – I’ve the chords written here in case I forget...” They noticed my little cheat-sheet and roared laughing. I thanked God that I could feel the vodka going to my head (Just in time!), I took a deep breath, and began.

I sounded really good! Until, around three bars in, I fucked up. Bigtime. I tried to pull it together but panicked, my hand slipped, and the guitar made a painful “waoarrrrrrrrrr” noise. I stopped, laughed nervously, went scarlet and said “Ok, sorry, I can’t do this... Thanks very much, I don’t know what I was thinking!” and I went to get off the stage... Suddenly, the whole audience started shouting at me!

“No! Come on, you can do it! We wanna hear the rest! Finish the song!” I was gobsmacked. I couldn’t stop laughing but said “Ok I’ll give it another go!”

So, this is the part in the movie where the hero takes a deep breath, and, encouraged by the audience, wows them with a perfectly-performed piece of music. Then she gets carried out of the pub on the shoulders of a cheering crowd, holding her trophy high above her head, and the credits roll up and it's all happy ever after...

That didn't happen!

I started again, with a newfound energy, but...no newfound talent! Within seconds I’d f**ked up again and said, "Wait, shit, that's not a chord!" and, thank God, they all laughed. I said, "You know what, i think you've heard enough of that song. I know the other one a little better so let's move on!!" so they cheered and I was just about to start playing, when I realised, “Oh shit, I haven’t been using a plec!” I honestly hadn’t realised.! A cooler person would have subtly found one and pretended it was all intentional to play the first song with her fingernails, but no, not me! I muttered some lame apologies, they fell around the place laughing, and eventually, when I found one, I started into the second song.

There were some faulty chords and I pulled quite a few "oops" faces but my voice sounded good and I managed to get half way before I forgot what came next. I stopped to look at my cheat-sheet and go "aaam," and they all started applauding and whistling and cheering – thinking I was finished! The vodka had taken a firm hold by now and I brazenly shouted into the mic “Hey! Wait wait wait! That’s not the end! There’s more! Let me just check here...” and off I went again! I played right to the end... well, ALMOST. And it was terrible but I was shaking – with laughter this time – and figured I should quit while I still had SOME dignity!

After a (very generous) round of applause I said, "Thanks very much! That didn't exactly go as I'd planned but I hope you enjoyed it! And I hope the next person up here has some actual talent!"

I left the stage in a fit of giggles, barely able to breathe from laughter and shame. With my head down I made my way over to my brother, who gave me a hug. And I decided I really, really, really needed a cigarette!

Later, after having countless people coming up to congratulate me “for trying and for being the funniest act all night!” they decided to announce the winner. The audience had to vote, by cheering, and when the MC announced that it was between me and two of the comedians I said (quite loudly, thanks to the numerous pints my fans had bought me) “What?! Are you kidding me?!”

They screamed and clapped and whistled and cheered for me, and I actually freaking WON! I couldn't believe it and I walked up on stage, my eyes streaming from laughing so hard. I took the mic and just kinda said something like, "Uhm, thanks but I can't say I agree with yer choice!! I promise I won’t be back!" Then some lads down the back started shouting "Encore! Encore!"

You MUST be joking! I accepted my certificate and “Lucky Duck” award (which is usually just a yellow toy duck but, that night, they couldn’t get one and got a plastic dinosaur instead. Go figure.)

There were actually some really, really talented musicians and HILARIOUS comedians performing that night – and if I’d have performed properly I probably wouldn’t have stood a CHANCE!

Loads of people, including the MC, the organisers, and the other musicians, told me they’d love me to come back and play again.

Yeah right!

Sweet Music

I love music. Doesn't everyone? But music is a pretty touchy subject for some people.

I love Punk, Funk, Soul, Metal, Rap, R&B, Trad, Ballads, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, Noughties, Dance, Trance, Pure Cheese, Classical Genius... anything and everything.

And WHY NOT?! There's gold in every genre. Music should;
1. SAY something!
2. Make you wanna Dance or Sing!
or 3. Make you FEEL something. Up, down, good, sh!te, nostalgic, relaxed, whatever!
Outside of that what else matters!?

Music isn't a brand or a fashion statement - that band tshirt does NOT make everyone go "wow how cool he likes ____!!". It's just a fucking TSHIRT!! A person's music taste says nothing about who they are. NOTHING!

WHY do people think they'll be compatible if they have the same music taste? Rubbish! Idiots like cradle of filth, but so do perfectly nice people. My dad listens to Metallica and so do half the little pree-teens in the world. Pretentious uber-"alternative" people hate pop - so do 80 year olds.

I feel I have a healthy, varied and balanced musical diet. I HUGELY dislike music snobs.

Why rule out things you've never heard?

Why is metal "noise" to some people? It's not! Have you listened to it?!

Why is indie cool now - what's so great about a genre where the bands sound SO alike there's no telling them apart! Indie used to be short for Independent. Now it's short for mass-produced, skinny-jeans-wearing wankers.

Why are quirkiness and catchiness consiered BAD things?!

What's wrong with dance music - it's just for dancing to! Cascada never claimed to be the next bloody Chopin!

Why don't people write about things that MATTER anymore?! (Greenday aren't great but at least they're TRYING!)

Whew. I feel better now.