The Littlest Security Guard

When reading this, bear in mind I'm 5'7", blonde and have no experience whatsoever doing security. I guess I get asked to do these sorta things because I'm the sort of impulsive person who goes, sure to hell with it - why not!


So, late last Friday, I was on my way home from Dublin to Limerick (4hours on bus) to spend a nice quiet weekend with my family.

My friend Aisling calls me out of the blue – quick! 16 people who were supposed to do security ran off - taking their Access-All-Areas wristband with them. We’re in a lot of trouble and REALLY short-staffed – you in?

Why not! I tell my parents when I come in the door... "Sorry, I can’t stay long… Know how I couldn’t afford to go to Oxegen? Well… I’m going for free!"

10am the next morning I’m back in Kildare at the Oxegen music festival and ready to start work.

I’ve never experienced anything like it.

Where was I stationed? Only the Dance Arena – the epicentre of all the drugs, violence, and general dodginess at the festival! I’m sick to death of dance music after it (been hearing the “nnsk nnsk nnsk” in my head ever since!!)

You may think “wow cool! Being paid to go to a festival!!!” And that’s what I thought. But, no, not so cool. Throwing water at people, throwing people out, beind sicked on, carrying drunk girls to Med-centre, breaking up fights, wading through muck and mud, checking the portaloos for drug-dealers, guarding barriers, stomping tablets into the floor, trying to talk sense to people who's eyes are popping out of their heads...

The only act I got to see was the very last one of the weekend, just before I ran for my bus (had work at 9 the following morning!) And that act was… Rage against the Machine!!! Absolutely AMAZING gig, I saw the last hour of it (so really didn’t miss much) including their dazzlingly good encore…

Naturally they closed with Killing in the Name Of, and, even though I ran for the bus immediately after, I was an hournahalf late for work this morning. So… exhausted…

But, who cares!!! They were the only band I REALLY wanted to see and were mind-blowingly good and it was free… apart from the soul-destroying labour…!

Saw some crazy stuff over the course of the weekend. Being sober, and spending the whole time watching the (wasted drunk) crowd like a hawk, means you see some really REALLY odd goings-on! Here are some of the weirdest moments:

Told a fello to put out his cigarette (no smoking/cans/bottles allowed in Dance Arena building) and… he took it out of his mouth, turned it backwards, and put it back into his mouth. Quenching it with his tongue. I gaped at him and he smirked at me (cig still in mouth!) and, speechless, I walked on!

Roughly snatched a can out of a guy’s hand and yelled at him… he turned out to be one of the DJs – oops.

Saw 3 girls stooped on ground in front of a Portaloo, went to investigate. As I got to them, they were just standing up and one girl was showing the others a handful of E tablets (about 15 maybe) – as I couldn’t prove they were theirs (they insisted they’d just picked them up) I just took them away and said nothing to them, then threw them in a puddle of filthy portaloo-run-off water and stomped them into dust, then kicked mud over them and went back inside. 5 minutes later, another security guard tells me he saw a guy (in aviator glasses and a Hunter S-style hat) on his hands and knees picking around in the puddle and eating them. Urgh.

Asleep in fellow-security-guard’s Chicky-chento in the security carpark, and in the middle of the night the lads (all big securty-type fellas) picked the car – and us – up and spun us around, shook us, bounced us, and left us down a few meters from where we started (pointing a different direction) - I was so tired that I slept right through it! I didn’t even hear my Aisling (the other guard in car with me) screaming “FUCK OFF LADS!!!! COP THE FUCK ON!!” as we were held in the air (strong sleeper I guess!!)

Was asked HUNDREDS of times by people whether I would sell them the stuff I’d confiscated. Unbelievable! (Besides, anything I found was MINE!)

Fella from the Fratellies got in fight with one of the other guards – pulled the whole “don’t you know who I am?!” routine when told he couldn’t exit through an entrance-only door.

It was nice that I got to see Rage, (and buy a tshirt!) but I don’t know if I’d go again. It was good craic in the security carpark (drinkin all the confiscated cans and bottles and stuff – very cool!) but the hours were too much, 15hours Saturday – no break (and only got to sit down when on toilet – that was pretty much it.) and 11 hours on Sunday with a 10 minute break… Ate out “dinner” (our only meal in whole day) standing at our posts.

Feet still killing me.

Also saw 2 dudes dressed up as the 11850 guys.

And that’s not even the half of it…!

Legalise it?

(Journo Assignment, Feb 26th 07 - interviewed randomers in Dublin City)

Gay Byrne's statement to Eamonn Dunphy last weekend has managed to open a controversial, although vital, discussion about the possibility of legalising certain drugs. The media is lapping it up, thrilled to report such a controversy.


The whole furore is reminiscent of Gaybo's younger, crazier days - constantly pushing for discussion of issues which people were reluctant to hear about. After all, "There was no sex in Ireland before the Late Late Show!"


The time has come for a proper debate and for the subject's taboo to be lifted. Gay's point that the current legislation against drugs has "demonstrably failed" is a reasonable one, but is legalisation really the way to go?


In a Vox Pop around Dublin's city streets, responses were varied. Some were vehemently against legalisation, answering with a definite and resounding "No!" Others were very much in favour of it, thinking it would do wonders for crime. A Mr. Mc Donnel (28) remarked that "You wouldn't have people going out robbing houses!" He also believed muggings and violent crimes would be hugely reduced.


According to Mr. Mc Donnel, Ireland would simply turn into another Holland , improving tourism for (perhaps) all the wrong reasons.


An elderly couple chorused sagely that "It won't stop, it'll never stop", adding that "drug barons will still reign" even if some or all drugs were made legal. According to them, it would reverse all the good efforts made to wean people off drugs (with Methadone Clinics etc)


"Look at Holland, it's pretty mellow, but in Ireland we're just not used to it" said Shamlan (18), a student of RCSI, who made the point that a responsible drug culture wouldn't be able to develop "all of a sudden". It is certainly possible that it would make the crime situation a lot worse, with people simply taking advantage of any new leniency.


Gay was not specific as to whether he felt some or all drugs should be legalised, but a surprising amount of people interviewed were in favour of Cannabis's legalisation, even those totally opposed to other drugs.


Recent statistics show that close to 50% of people between the ages of 12-17 have used Cannabis – and that's just those who admit it! The fact is that drugs are readily available in Ireland to anyone who wants them, and the Drugs Squad estimate that they only intercept around 10% of all drug imports.


Two Gardaí on patrol in St. Steven's Green said they'd be delighted if softer drugs were legalised. "It would get the junkies out of here anyway, because they could go home to do it!" I laughed an agreement, having often noticed huddles of suspiciously giddy teenagers hidden among the trees, shrouded in smoke.


Cannabis (aka Marijuana, Weed, Grass, Herb, Hash, Dope, Hemp, Pot…) is known to have medicinal uses. It can, for example, be used to ease a terminally ill patient's pain. Last January a British couple and one other person were arrested and given 9-month suspended sentences for selling cannabis-laced chocolate bars to multiple sclerosis sufferers.


They reportedly told police they made the "Canna-Biz" bars (containing around 3.5 grams of the substance) in their kitchen and mailed them out on request. They insisted the product was only available to MS sufferers who provided a medical note confirming their condition .

B. Shorthall (50), who admitted that he himself used to smoke Cannabis and subsequently dabbled in many other drugs, said this progression was simply a personal choice. He denounced the common belief that Cannabis is a "Gateway Drug".

He said he knows many people who have been "smokers" all their lives and have never seen the need to try any "harder" drugs. In fact, in his opinion, if soft drugs such as Cannabis were legal, it would mean that users would not have the contact with dealers they do now - lessening the temptation to experiment with "harder stuff" down the line.


"I don't think (Cannabis) is necessarily harmfull" he said. A common view seems to be that the fact "weed" is illegal, while alcohol flows freely, is an absurd double-standard. Alcohol makes a person behave violently, while smoking has a much more placating effect. Also, alcohol is just as damaging to a person's mental and physical health – if not more so.

Mr. Shotrhall insisted that Cannabis's legalisation would be greatly beneficial to making "smoking" safer, as it would bring about quality control. One of the greatest dangers to users of "grass" is that it can often be laced with PolyChlorinated Biphenyl (PCB), a highly dangerous chemical also known as "Angeldust".


When asked if he thought there was any truth in the supposed link between Cannabis usage and schizophrenia, he shook his head, saying, "of course it is mentally detrimental if a person were to smoke it every single day... it certainly dulls the brain... and can make a person lose perspective... but posession definitely shouldn't be a criminal offence."


"It should be taken the way someone would take a glass of wine with a meal" he said.

*class assignment - enjoyed this one*