Hmm.

I thought for certain I'd become a mad hermit for these weeks - crawl deep into my work and block all out; Obsess. And get it done.

But I've spent plenty of time with him . He offered help and I took it; ignoring my usual pride, vanity, stubborness, control-freaky-osity... I asked him for help. He was a brilliant help. And good at it. Every call he made was good. It's nice to know, too, that he understands the inner-workings of it all a little better. I can share that, for the first time.

And, best and strangest of all, I've let him in.

Today, I'm missing my old friends.

(And I haven't slept yet, so, by today, I mean Friday.)

I can't sleep. It's after 6am. I'm that eager to just be back at home. Even if it's just for a day and a bit. The first bus is at 7.30.

I always hated Limerick when I was "stuck" there; when I moved there from rose-coloured Galway... I looked forward to Dublin's new start so much.
Nothing's any different here.
I mean, yeah, things are good. Interesting, at least. But... dammit...

I've been looking for a job in Dublin. But I've only realised today that... well... I haven't been looking very hard. To be honest, part of me would LOVE if I didn't find anything, and ended up "stuck" in Limerick for the summer.



I found out today that a friend of mine is apparently engaged. Mad. It stung to have a complete randomer tell me - a jackass music-snob whose name I can't even remember - when I'm supposed to be.....
Well, I haven't heard from her in a long time.

I know she thinks I wouldn't approve - but that's not entirely fair. I would. Hell, I snuck them around for years! Despite thinking he was bad news, I did whatever I could to make her happy.

I wonder if that's why we haven't kept in touch... 'cos she thinks I won't understand.




TGInotFanymore.

Look! An Art Competition!

I'm gonna enter.

I haven't entered one since I was about 11.

I'll let you know how I do.

My PostSecret. And why I'm "a sucker"

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - Romans 7:15

Found this quote on PostSecret (in someone's reply to one of the cards)... Didn't bother checking if the reference is right. I always like to double-check any quote I lift from someone else.

But it's 3 in the morning and I'm sipping sherry.

So.

I've been daydreaming today about what I'd put on my PostSecret card, if I were to make one... (I had a 3 hour bus ride to myself, ok?) Something so secret it had to be completely anonymous... I started thinking of all sorts of stuff - so much that I toyed with the idea of starting an anonymous blog.

But what's the point of that?

The reason I started this thing was to get over my fear of other people reading my stuff. I was never good at writing letters to people - I'd be happy with them at the time of writing, but I actually asked one or two people to throw out letters I sent them after reading them. Once was nerve-wracking enough - but the thought of it sitting there, for them to re-read at their leisure... *shudder*

That was then - this is now! And I'm getting cooler with it. Slowly. Still get a bit of a gut-wrenching "eek!"-sensation when anyone IRL says they've seen/read/heard about my blog..

But, look at me now! Post number 60, I think? (Around that, anyway!) Far more if you count the many many I deleted (when cold-feet feeling came back)

Yes, so, anon-blog = no help towards that, in any case.


Anyway, I was thinking of how O said I'm a sucker for punishment the other day.
How can I argue? I mightn't like to think so, but I kinda always have been.
I mean, check out this crap - I wrote that over 5 years ago, I think! I was in a similar spot of bother, convinced (just like now) that it was all worth it. That moment, "that" feeling - brief, pointless, empty (as it turns out), but... exciting, right? :)

Someday I'll get some sort of smacht ar mo chuid impulsive rash antics... Someday I'll realise that situations like this, though irresistible to me (ar fáth éigin) are... Silly. No good. Undesirable.
Bad, even!

... Not yet, though.


"I do not understand what I do..." -- but I kinda like it that way.

Genius!!

Y'know how a couple of posts ago, when I did my little new year quiz, I couldn't think of an answer to the last question? Instead of goign back and answering properly, I've decided to post a list of some of my all-time favourite quotes. I love these because they're inspiring, or delightfully, hilariously true.. all are just plain genius.

"A long-term relationship is, at its core, two people struggling to put up with each other’s bullshit—day in, day out, year after year—in exchange for things intangible (love) and things tangible (sex)." - Dan Savage

"If I heard a speaker use (downplay) I would upget and outwalk." - Peter De Vries

"A mistake which is commonly made about neurotics is to suppose that they are interesting. It is not interesting to be always unhappy, engrossed with oneself, malignant and ungrateful, and never quite in touch with reality." - Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave

"Be Yourself, especially do not feign affection, neither be cynical about love for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass." - Desiderata, Max Ehrman

"He who has a why for life can bear with almost any how" - Nietzsche

"Its not that the Irish are cynical. Its rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody." - Brendan Behan

"It's not like buying a car you know." "I know - it's gotta be that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence world series kind of love!" - It Takes Two (crappy movie - great quote nonetheless)

"If you can find someone who loves the you YOU love, well, that's just fabulous!" - Sex and the City

"Good things don't come to those who wait, but to those who dare." - An old friend who I miss quite a bit.

"We're ridiculous"

Yes we are.

Oooh, it's gonna hurt alright. No matter what we decide, whatever happens, it's going to hurt. I have some idea how much, too... so it's more than a little terrifying. But I've been thinking about it and I've decided - fuck it - it doesn't matter if it lasts a week, or a few weeks, or a few hundred weeks. Or even just a few more hours!
Even just one more hour like that would be...

Fuck!

How did this happen? How has everything changed?

I want.......... what do I want? Nnnnnngh I don't KNOW!!


No, I think I DO know what I want. "Think" is the wrongest of wrong words - I KNOW what I want!
I want whatever I can get.
No more. That's ok. More than ok! And even though I'm scared, I'm not feeling weird about it at all. It's petrifying - but it comes so easily too. Does that make sense? Anyway, no amount of nerves or uncertainty or time-restrictions can stop me enjoying it - all of it - every second until...
...


I go from wanting to throw up, to wanting to sing, to wanting to scream, to wanting to dance, to wanting to drink, to laughing at all the aforementioned madnesses.

To sum up: This is the BEST mistake I'll ever make.
:)

Vicious Circle

A guy I know asked me out last night. I feel terribly bad for him. I never even considered this could happen. It never once crossed my mind… but that’s the way it goes... Why is it always the people you have no interest in whatsoever that feel JUST the opposite for you? And that the people YOU want are usually totally uninterested? Is it an endless circle? Or a long long line with one poor sap at the end with no one after him? If EVERYONE got together with who they wanted, would there be one person left with no one?

Had a funny old night last night. Also heard from one of my friends that her ex is causing all sorts of problems – she has such an idyllic relationship with her boyfriend of three years: they’re perfect together and will be fine, I’m positive... but most of all I can’t help empathising with the poor ex. He told her, 'look if you want me out of your life, say so now and I’m gone. If not, I’ll always be a part of your life.'

Tough ultimatum to cope with. Kinda kills the hope of ever being "just friends" - unless you wanna give the poor guy an excuse to keep pining... What do you do? Can exes be friends? If not why not? Why do we have to be “exes”? Why can’t we just be people? Why do we give each other that status that means we can never look at the person as JUST a person ever again? Is it such a big deal? I don’t think it should be. Unless we make it a big deal.

And another friend of mine told me their marriage broke up. Horrible thing to hear. After more than 20 years together it came to an end – at that stage you’d assume it’s ok to relax; to sit in the comfort that something like that would never happen. It just couldn’t! At least, it shouldn’t. You’re past insecurity, past the game, past everything and settled... right? But it does happen. So is there really a point? Is it stupid to have the faith in love that I do? Wavering as it may be, the faith's still there.

Life is good. But love’s pretty harsh. There’s just no winning – and it seems a lot more people are miserable than happy: Missing someone, regretting something, wanting something they can’t have. It’s not very fair, is it!

I LOVE YOU!

I can't think of one celebrity, politician, anyone, who I'd be bowled over by seeing. I don't think I'd ever be starstruck by anyone - they're just people, right?

The one exception? The xkcd guy! (and also Jeff Goldblum, perhaps).
I love Him(capital H) - and I would be dumbstruck.

After a friend introduced me to the site, I found I could spend up to an hour at a time clicking on "random" and ROTFLMFAO-ing at the genius gems of wonderful wry brilliance that would appear on my humble screen.

I then took to saving all the cartoons that made me laugh the most. Bad idea. At this stage I've saved so many that I think my computer's running slower because of it.

Here are some of my current faves (He doesn't mind them being used on blogs - or in non-profit publications. Saintly!):













This blog post is more for me than for you readers - I get to look at it every time I log in to blogger!! :D

Also, I know some are fuzzy - but it's the best I could do and, trust me, they're worth the eye-strain!

Go to xkcd.com and love it. Go! Now!

What's another word for Reflection?

Here's a nifty little New Year's survey that I nicked from a girl's blog who nicked it from a different girl's blog....

One way to look back on 2008... You should steal it too!!! Lots of fun! And if you DO, please comment me with a link to your post! Would love to read it. :)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Cried watching a movie
Got invited to a hen party
Bumped into Enda Kenny outside specsavers - walked into the middle of the group of gathered press and asked him a question he couldn't answer(!!)
Watched someone die.
Legal Smoke
Got a loan
Had a hugely successful, perfect birthday party that didn't end up a horrific mess/disappointment
Asked Martin O Neill (Aston V manager) AND the President of Ireland a question for an RTE Radio 1 show
Slept in a hospital.
Had my own (simple, shitty, but nonetheless awesome) Radio Show with my friends
Made an eejit of myself in front of Des Bishop
Started wearing heels outside of "special occasions"
Got some sort of idea of what part of Journalism I'm actually interested in and can see myself doing
Worked security at a music festival - and confiscated drugs!
Had my first real Irish-language 9-5 job
X
Got a taste for whiskey
Worked in a bar
Left the house without makeup (ok I've done it before, but not since I was a kid)
Started to take blogging seriously(ish)
Had a panic attack (several, actually! Spaced-out enough that I'm not worried..)
Entered a singer-songwriter competition and WON!! (funny story...)
Tried to make amends with certain people
Let go of stuff I'd been holding for YEARS - guilt and shame and all that jazz... poof! Had a little epiphany and feel lighter than air since. (see Q7!)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't give up smoking. I'll try again - and for the meantime I'll try switch to rollies to save money. I didn't read Ulysses. I'll try that again too. Maybe read portrait one more time to get back into the groove/mindset..
I'm gonna try drink less alcohol and more water, hang out in CnaG less (for my sanity), dress up more often, stop being late for everything, and make more time for myself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, actually.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My aunt. It was terrible. It still is.

5. What countries did you visit?
The US! This time the Devil went down to...Virginia! It was FABULOUS! Mental house party. Taught the 'mericans how it's done. Did a photo-shoot! (still waitin on the pics! told I came out lookin' very "Pin-up" - aaaaagh how cool?!)
Also had some..interesting debates and got some...interesting insights into some people so alien to me, but so fascinating.
Had a little epiphany of sorts there, too.. And all my vague shimmery beliefs finally solidified - I know what I've always known, but know it properly now. (ramble! sorry! explain later perhaps..)

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
More time for travelling and reading. Less to do. More surprises! More of EVERYTHING. I don't think '08 lacked much - I just think I need '09 to be different in a lot of ways; for variety's sake!
I wanna be more spontaneous! I used to be the most spontaneous person I knew - now cos I'm so busy I can only be spontaneous the rare time that I have TIME to be - which isn't very freaking spontaneous!
So, more time for myself and for random acts of madness.
Also, must kiss more boys! Been "living like a nun" and - though I'm not going to stop being choosy and CERTAINLY won't be kissing just for the SAKE of it - it couldn't hurt to loosen up a bit. I can count the boys I've kissed this year on one hand - pathetic!!

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
April 1st - April Fool's Day!
The 5th of November - the day before my birthday! Had that Mini-epiphany I mentioned in Q1 that day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting through it without running out of energy! ha!
Nah.. Winning the Singer Songwriter competition maybe? That was pretty brilliant! Or having my little radio show.. or being a part of the newly-launched, first-of-its-kind and very successful Irish-language Accom. scheme of DIT. *grin*
I dunno. Lots!! It was a whirlwind of a year.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not trusting my instincts when I ought to have. And not making enough time for my friends. or myself. And missing most of this past semester of college.
But, fuck it. Nothing that can't be remedied! No real regrets. Never regret!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
The flu a few times, a bunch of migraines, laryngitis, hangovers... otherwise I'm good!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Dresses!! I rarely buy dresses. And my tickets to go to Virginia and see Cass!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-My best friend who's livin' in Virginia, 'cos she's carved out an awesome little life for herself and 'cos she's a gorgeous creature with a gargantuan heart.
-My roommate, 'cos she's one of THE most outstanding, drop-dead fabulous, uninhibited, hilarious people I know. Also for her unwavering faith in true love that keeps me believin' when I need to... also, the ONLY one I could EVER share a room with without murdering.
-My cousin for getting engaged to the world's nicest guy.
-My entire family and extended family - for their strength in what was a bitch of a year.
-My dad - in general.
-A certain lecturer who made me realise it's ok to slow down and stop insisting on being "on top of everything" - for once.
-A certain friend who was the bigger person and made the first move to mend things. He did something I doubt I would have been brave enough to do.
-Same friend deserves a second mention - for making me laugh harder than I have in ages and being there when I didn't want to go home yet. (What was at home anyway? Another sleepless night?)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone who disappointed me.. but it's my fault. I thought they were something they weren't.
I don't think it's fair to say anything much here... Actually, read My Letter for more details... Though that covers more than just this year!
Was a bit appalled with myself at times - need to be less hard on everyone: Especially ME!!
**Here's a first for me.. a bible reference!!! (wha-???)
Luke 6:41-42 Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, 'Friend, let me take out the speck in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye.
**I do that! Logs and Specks and suchalike.. I'm very quick to jump on people - but I think (most of the time) I see in them a little bit of something that I HATE about myself.. and hate them for it!!

14. Where did most of your money go?
Cigarettes, Drink and Taxis. And Bagels. Those damn addictive stupid feckin' bagels. And Pizza! Why move when the food can come to you?

15. What did you really, really, really get excited about?
-Seeing Cassie.
-Seeing Combichrist and getting a picture with their (highly amused) lead singer. (Sir, could I get a photo with you? - he shat himself laughing at my un-coolness..)
Check the cheesy grin:

Here he is NORMALLY:

See? I can make the scariest of men grin like fools! :P
-My 21st!
-Our little radio show - I got butterflies every week!
-That odd little Sunday morning a few weeks ago.
-New Year's Night (for some reason - what a letdown..)
-Patching up an old friendship and making something new and brilliant out of what I thought was, and always would be, solid-gold shit!
-New stuff. New stuff that dawned on me and that opened my eyes.

17. Compared to this time last year are you:
Happier? Yes! Every day I feel happier than yesterday. It's nuts. But, good nuts... Brazil nuts! Y'know they lift your mood? Or so I've read..
Thinner? Nah! Same! I assume! I weigh myself about once in a blue mood... (that was meant to be moon - typo? or Freudian slip?? You decide..)
Richer? HA!! No. More in debt than ever and generally fucked money-wise.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Dancing. Kissing. Hugging. Singing. Writing. Reading. Relaxing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Nothing! It was all worthwhile in one way or another.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
It was a blur of nights out, over-eating, over-sleeping, and ODing on movie-nights in with the family..
The night before Christmas Eve I went on a MAD night out in Limerick.
Christmas Eve night I went to dinner with my family and wrapped presents.
Christmas Day was spent at home. Eating. Mass. Tv. Movies. Carey Grant box set opened and made good use of.
Steven's Night - mad night out. Confessed to an old friend that I've liked him for all the years I've known him. Stupid Drunk Aoife! He has a girlfriend!
((Drunk Aoife: "But he's ALWAYS had a feckin girlfriend! It's not fair!"
Me: Shut up for fuck sake..))

21. How did you spend new years?
Another mad night out. Less drama. Sadly, also had less fun. Too much absynthe, wasted money and walking around in the cold, too little sense, dancing, and energy. (had a stupid flu also - did NOT help mood)

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yep. And out again.

23. How many one-night stands?
None! Christ! Some question!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Lincs - 'cos it's my "ok go to bed now" signal, and actually quite funny in parts..
Coupling - 'cos they're all just awful people.
Sex and the City - 'cos it's the law.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No. i try not to hate anyone. Anyone I dislike probably isn't worth the effort of hating - you need a degree of respect for a person in order to be able to hate them with any real zeal, in my opinion.


26. What was the best book you read?
The Five People You Meet in Heaven - it's lovely.
Also, am reading the Secret at the moment. Fascinating; Even just the psychology that's behind it.

27. What was your biggest musical discovery?
Interference! And Imogen Heap (yes yes I'm a little behind - I know!)

28. What did you want and you got?
Almost everything, actually! :D

29. What did you want and not get?
Only a couple of things... a winning lotto ticket, a kiss goodbye from that silly, shy, big-eyed boy.. (but that would have probably been a bad idea anyway), a reply from certain old friends I'd love to get back in touch with...

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Wall-E - the sort of shit that makes me wish I HAD pursued animation seriously...

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old did you turn?
I turned 21 and it was wonderful.. I had a few mad nights in Dublin to celebrate on and around the actual DAY of my birthday, then I made a few changes in my life and felt GREAT about myself by the time I got to my real, official party at home in Limerick a few weeks later - with family and friends and finger-food and sing-songs and mulled wine and music and reminiscing and laughter and dancing in the kitchen and a big smile on everyone's face.
AND... a killer outfit ;)

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More time! Longer days!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
For the first 80% of the year 'twas largely lazy and casual and thrown-together outfits with runners and odd-socks. Now - making more of an effort to make an effort! I have nice stuff, I should wear it!

34. What kept you sane?
Cigarettes, friends, and talking to myself!

35. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
Steve from Sex and the City - not the actor, the character.
Carey Grant..
Still adore Jeff Goldblum. And Billy Corgan's voice (with a different face)
Hold on.... Am I really that sad...?
Oh!! Also LOVE whoever played Skye in Mama Mia. GrrrOWaar!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Lisbon Vote. And everything becoming so warped..
Budget. Need say no more.

37. Who did you miss?
Cassie. My parents, sis and brother when I'm off in Dublin all the time..
Certain old friends who wouldn't reply.

38. Who was the best person you met?
I didn't meet anyone strikingly awesome who was new to my life... but I did discover new sides to people I already knew and found out they were more incredibly cool than I realised.
I rediscovered a few people too.. which was very nice.. It's always nice.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
That I'm my own worst critic and need to give myself a break. A lot of breaks.
That I'm a bit of a commitmentphobe, people-pleaser, and control-freak - and that it's ok to be!
That people can, and will, surprise you.
That NO amount of blood, sweat and tears can make a relationship work if it doesn't work - and that that's no one's fault.

40. Quote or Song Lyric that sums up your year:
I dunno, to be honest..
This might give you some idea.. I should pick one of those songs.. or a line from Desiderata.. can't think of anything at the moment that sums everything up - far too much happened!!
"I did it my way!" maybe? ha..

Playlist

(1) Songs I Love

Dreaming - Blondie
Kiss Me Deadly - Generation X
Boy in the Bubble - Paul Simon
Cain and Abel - Interference
Breakfast at Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something
Sic Transit Gloria, Glory Fades - Brand New
Ocean Walk - Astronautalis
Disarm - The Smashing Pumpkins
Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler
Vermillion Pt. 2 - Slipknot
Wherever You Will Go - The Calling
Handbags and Gladrags - Stereophonics version
Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day
Gold - Interference
Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson
Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon - Urge Overkill
Irreplaceable - Beyonce
Paradise By The Dashboard Light - Meatloaf
Summer of '69 - Brian Adams
The Green Fields of France - Any version
Whiter Shade of Pale - Procol Harum
Jaan Pechechaan Ho - No clue, but was on the Ghostworld soundtrack
Man on the Moon - REM
How To Save A Life - The Fray
Hurt - Nine Inch Nails (much more raw, honest and true to the lyrics than Johnny Cash's version)
...And Justice for All - Metallica
Fairytale of New York - The Pogues and Kirsty McCall
It's Too Late - The Streets
Cemetary Gates - Pantera
No Leaf Clover - Metallica
America - Simon and Garfunkle
Ghetto Gospel - 2pac feat. Elton John
Bad Day - Daniel Powter


(2) Songs that strike some sorta chord with me..

Caladonia - whoever sings it!
Something Pretty - Patrick Park
The Places You Have Come To Fear the Most - Dashboard Confessional
Drops of Jupiter - Train
The Perfect Fit - The Dresden Dolls
Unpretty - TLC
The Dance - Garth Brooks
Holding My Own - The Darkness
I'm Not Okay - My Chemical Romance
I've Got Friends in Low Places - Garth Brooks
Easier to Run - Linkin Park
Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
I Hope You Dance - Dolly Parton's version
City of Blinding Lights - U2
Vindicated - Dasboard Confessional
What I've Got - Sublime
The Piano Man - Billy Joel
Born Slippy - Underworld
Blurry - Puddle of Mudd
Desperado - The Eagles


(3) Songs That Break/Broke/Slightly Irritate My Heart

Awake - Dashboard Confessional
I Miss You - Blink 182
Romeo and Juliet - Dire Straits
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
Voice of the Soul - Death
Heaven - Brian Adams
Prelude in E Minor - Frederic Chopin
Fade to Black - Metallia
A Rainy Night In Soho - The Pogues
Letters to You - Finch
Gabriel - Lamb
More Than Words - Extreme
Viva Forever - The Spice Girls
Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
Fast Cars - Tracy Chapman
Signal Fire - Snow Patrol

The Rules - Made to be Broken

Relationship Advice Books are flying off the shelves. How the Media has had a bizarre impact on modern romance.

Romance is a confusing, difficult thing for many of us. We can often feel lost, especially in the wake of a break-up. We can be left desperate for answers and explanations – why didn't it work? Why can't I find someone? Is there such thing as "the one"?

In the last few years we've seen numerous books aimed at both men and women claiming to hold these answers, selling millions of copies around the globe. Are they really beneficial, or just exploiting our vulnerabilities?

Ever since the book He's Just Not That Into You was featured on the Oprah Winfrey show, it's been topping best-seller lists worldwide. Inspired by an episode of Sex and the City and written by Liz Tuccillo and the show's former writer Greg Behrendt, this book challenges many of the myths that women create about men and dating by explaining things simply and realistically – and from a guy's perspective.

It's called a Break-up because it's Broken, also by Behrendt, attempts to help men and women come to grips with the rejection and confusion of a break-up, and to accept that it wasn't working. Writing this time from the perspective of someone who has been dumped and survived, Behrendt tackles difficult issues like the crazy out-of-character behaviour and obsessive thinking that many "dumpees" experience.

If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? by Susan Page provides 10 strategies which are supposedly critical to success in love. The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider is an infamous Bible. Its followers call themselves the "Rules Girls" and are convinced of the philosophy's power. Some would say that the book is outdated, with its return to pre-feminist mind games. However, it is also considered by many to be useful and motivational. And the authors' only credentials? They're married.

Most of The Rules involve playing hard to get, and letting the man come to you – which is of course manipulative, but can give girls with low confidence a feeling of empowerment and of being in control – something that thousands would happily pay for. And they do.

The Rules reached number one on every major bestseller list, and sold over 1.4 million copies in America alone. It received tremendous media attention which quickly catapulted it to world-fame, having been featured on various TV shows and in Time, Newsweek and many others publications.

Wendy Finerman (Forrest Gump) and Paramount Pictures have optioned film rights to The Rules. Ben Affleck is currently in talks to star opposite Jennifer Aniston and Scarlett Johansson in He's Just Not That Into You the movie, which will have a number of interweaving stories about modern relationships. Both films will, of course, be box-office smashes. People lap this stuff up.

Sex and the City, Friends and other hugely popular shows like them have had more of an impact on the modern perception of romance than anyone could have imagined. Women's attitudes towards their own sexuality have dramatically changed too.

Prudishness and discreteness are looked on as stuffy and old-fashioned, and buying a Rampant Rabbit is almost like a right of passage. Outrageous new concepts like "fuckbuddies", "going on a break", "one-night stands" and "flings" have made their way into our vocabulary, and our love lives.

It's remarkable how quickly we adopted this bizarre belief system. Relationships are strictly categorised as "serious" or "casual", "exclusive" or "open". Commitment – something once sought as the final goal of any relationship – is avoided at all costs and the word alone strikes fear in the hearts of men and women alike. In today's world, being "tied down" is portrayed as the ultimate enemy to freedom, and a successful career.

These authors are making a lot of money, and little wonder so many people are turning to their books to make sense of it all – modern relationships are positively insane. There are so many specifications, rules and restrictions, and a whole new terminology to come to grips with; taking things to "the next level", being "just friends", clingy-ness, "coming on too strong", playing it "cool", leaving a minimum of three days before you call… It's certainly become a lot more complicated than the old Boy Meets Girl story.

Books, TV, magazines and even modern music are telling us how to be in control and how to gain the upper hand in relationships. Am I the only one who feels the fun has gone out of it all? Is it supposed to feel like a power struggle?

In today's world we are getting married a lot later in life, so the reality is that the relationships we have in our youth, and well into our twenties, are not likely to last – so why not have fun with them? Why obsess over the why why whys of failed relationships?

Relationships can, and should, be eye-opening opportunities to get into someone else's head, to get interested in new things and new types of people. Share with them what you're interested in, and give their stuff a go. Learn from them. Broaden your interests and your mind. And when life decides it's not working anymore, take what you've learned and move on.

The advice and explanations these books provide can be comforting – after a break-up we need all the help we can get – but all this over-analysis, over-thinking, and over-liberalisation of sexuality is warping our outlook on things. If you obsess over every little detail, how can you get any enjoyment out of your time with that person? Is he going to call? Is she looking for something serious? Is this moving too fast? It's about time we realised just how ridiculous things have gotten and how we're making everything a lot more complicated than it needs to be.

These books claim they can show you how to control the course of love, or how to control someone's attraction to you. No book can give you that power. Those urges come from our most basic animal instincts. You are bound to want people who are wrong for you, you will always feel terrible after a break up, and you will often find yourself getting swept up in it all, getting carried away, or acting crazy. And that's ok!

If Romeo and Juliet had followed the rules and obsessed about doing everything "right", theirs would have been a fairly boring story. Although, the end may not have been so tragic.

How dare you!!

Ouch. Never been dumped before - feel quite huffy and indignant!!!
But, I suppose, when your pride hurts more than your feelings do you KNOW it mustn't have been right.

Although, I won't lie, I'm also feeling a little deflated. Disgusting, sad, insulted, ugly, rejected - all the usual shite. But that's normal and that'll pass. I mean... he said it wasn't working, and that it was fun for a while but wouldn't go anywhere etc... which was hard to hear and quite cold. But I've thought about it and actually found I agree with everything he said.

I was never gonna fall for the guy, to put it frankly. And I'm lucky in that. Because there's no way I'd be taking this so well if I had! But it would've just bin a big waste of time, energy and money in the end.

We'd so little in common. His priorities in life were weird. A total music snob. He didn't seem to have any ambitions or passions or dreams or anything. None he told me about anyway.

Yet I thought nothing of that because he was just so perfect on paper. Sweet and cute. Perfect height for me. Funny. Thoughtful. He said and did everything he was supposed to and texted just as often as he should. But... there was just no fire!

And so, I was indignant. Yeah! Strange reaction, but it was my first one. I mean – I did everything right!!

Usually in relationships I mess up in some way, or act neurotic, or (this is why I've never been dumped before) dump him in some nutty panic (wanting to hit first and save face!)... So – usually – I'm at LEAST partially at fault when it goes down the sh!tter. But in the last year I've done a lot of reflection, taken time to myself, thinking, working on myself... And I'm not that person anymore. I got comfortable with being single. I'm very happy with who I am, and I KNOW who I am and... well... I suppose I've matured!

So, anyway, yes, I was indignant and surprised. It didn't work?! How dare you! That was flawless! I can't be faulted for this! Shouldn't the dumpee be the person most at fault?

Nah. This has helped me realise that sometimes no one is at fault. Just because someone hasn't pissed you off or screwed you over doesn't mean you should stay together – doesn't mean you FIT. You don't need to wait for an excuse to come along before you can legitimately – fairly – dump someone. (I was waiting for one!) Someone once said – a crap boyfriend's better than NO boyfriend. Bull!!!! Not having one is lovely!

If you're not happy and not right for each other it's ok to end it. Why shouldn't it be? I'm happiest when I'm single! And not just in the "wooo I can do anything I want!!" way, more like the "wooo no pressure, no obligation, no gifts, no extra stress, no 'talking', no opening up, no letting someone in, no meticulous planning, and a lot more space to be impulsive!"

So... Thanks Dec! (Even if ya DID ruin my perfect record - you prick – wish I'd gotten there first!)

Windsock

Fixed to her pike, plain pairless sock,
Can fill, inflate and fly.
Can flutter, dance, can live a while,
Can stretch and touch the sky

But at a whim, such highs'n'lows,
Outside all her control,
Unpredictable! A sudden shift
And she will faint and fall

And limply hang, a crumpled piteous cloth,
And, patiently,
Will wait and pray for the next gust
To toss her violently.

And flap, so stretched and straining,
Feeling at last alive...
Worth the harsh wind's tearing
To fill, inflate, and fly.


Written for school mag competition aaaages ago... Just foung it there...
Oh, If you're wondering, I didn't win.
(Everyone said it should have, though! *gloat*)

Is anyone else sick of feeling "obliged"?

Love's awful crafty....
Each time feels better than the last, maybe cos you can't quite remember exactly how the last one felt...obscured a little by all that awful sh!te you can't quite bring yerself to forget
(self-indulgent moping.. who doesn't?)
It knocks the legs out from under you and you fall right into it, face first, without a word of warning or any time to think and stop yerself.
Not even completely over the last one, and cupid just keeps on shootin....

..well! Anyway!

Sex sucks.
Why is it that once a girl's lost her virginity, anything goes? Even those who wait, wanting their first time to be "special"... waiting till they're "ready".... Even they seem to just throw threir morals out the window and their legs in the air because, for some mad reason, once the first time's out of the way - anything goes!

The next guy doesn't have to wait at all. Why? Why is it only the first time that it "matters"..? Is it that we suddenly feel it's not the big deal we thought it was? It IS a big deal! WHY should sex depreciate in value and importance after the first pop?

Stupid.

As well as that, too much sex is bad for a relationship... It doesn't deepen the bond, make you feel closer to the person... Except temporarily! And that's just biology, baby...
Unless you've already reached a certain level without it, you'll get a nasty shock one day when it wears off... And you're confused and utterly thrown by the fact that your "love's blown cold". Nuh uh. Hormones have just stopped buzzin.

Every time should be as special as the first. I'm sick of that grimey, cringe-inducing feeling when you think back on what it was like being "with" your ex. I'm sick of relationships falling to pieces because sex, or something related to it, takes up all the time you have together. I'm sick of feeling there's a pressure, an obligation almost...just 'cos it's "the done thing" now in this sex and the city generation...
Does anyone else feel that way? If you're going out with someone, you will be having sex. Period. It's accepted, exPECTed, taken for granted... It's conidered WEIRD if you AREN'T doing it!
Should it be?? I think it's just a smidge bizarre to be honest.. cop on, girls..

So....yeah. As of now I - personally - am going on a Sex Diet. And a Love Diet, as everything's still a little raw. I'm just gonna take a little big break from all this...and get my head straight.