A Good Time

I like to believe that people – most people, anyway – aren’t deliberately cruel. I believe that, like me, they only treat other people badly when they can justify it to their self-involved selves, or forget to be considerate, or just… neglect to think about it at all. And even when someone IS deliberately cruel, there’s some reason. Maybe not a GOOD reason, but maybe enough for them. Maybe you just caught them at a bad time. Maybe their shit’s hitting the fan in another area of their life and their tolerance is down. Maybe being pleasant is too much work that day.

Justified negligence of the ‘right thing’. I readily forgive that trait in myself… Haha, not that it registers… It doesn’t even make me flinch most of the time (‘till afterwards when I weigh up its worth). When I really feel like I’m justified, who can convince me otherwise? But it’s harder for us to forgive it in others. Maybe because it’s much easier to internally convince yourself something’s ok to do/doesn’t matter/isn’t THAT bad. Or to convince yourself that you just don’t really care, at all. We all do it. All the time.

But, from the outside, it’s more obvious that you’re being a shit and, no matter how many excuses you come up with, it’s probably inexcusable.

Maybe being a shit just comes naturally… to everyone… sometimes… and maybe it’s about pushing yourself t’wards self-control.

Or maybe, like everything else, it’s all about timing and circumstance.
Timing and circumstance control your destiny, if there is such a thing. Unless you can control them, you can’t control anything. And… you can only ever really control them to an extent.

Love, hate, rivalry, mercy, charity, faith, wealth, choices, success, first impressions… Timing and circumstance rule it all. Even your mood. Even who you ‘are’.

I left my favourite scarf in Cork on New Year’s Eve and my friend, who I was sure would forget all about it, got it safely back to me.

And then (subsequently, promptly) I lost it. And it occurred to me that, if he HAD forgotten it, and still had it, unreturned… I’d be irked somewhat, but basically would still have a scarf. But now it’s gone forever.

Which has nothing to do with anything. But it was a funny thought.

Like missing a plane that crashes. Or never getting to know that person. Or applying for a job at JUST the right time. Or the introversion and imposed loneliness that comes with forgetting for a while that your life is, in fact, so much bigger than just you (and that it takes work to keep it that way… work you can’t cram in at the end…)

Or, losing your scarf.

Snow in the City

It was beautifully snowy in Dublin today. This winter's been snowier than I've ever seen in my life. At home in Limerick, it was the first white Christmas we've ever had.

Dublin shut down today. (City of drama-queens...) Shops and pubs and everything closed and the buses stopped - everything screeched to a standstill. (It's just a little snow! The rest of the country shrugged and got on with it, but when Dublin's slippery, the world stops!)

Sigh. Anyway. Seeing as College, like most everything else, was closed, and I had nothing better to do... I grabbed my camera and headed for a walk.

Here are my faves:






































Enjoy! ^_^
(If you wanna see the rest, see here: X)

The Days of Dial-up

I’m having flashbacks. My new meteor broadband plugin USB yokey is sheer shite. Reminiscent of dial-up frustrations. It’s bullshit, like. What should have taken no time at all (uploading pics to FB and finding a map to where I need to be tomorrow) has taken hours. Balls to this.

Dial-up… god wasn’t it awful? The internet was a place for those with plenty of patience, and a high threshold for annoyance and despair. Clicking the same link 50 times, knowing it would only slow things further, but doing it anyway…. to SPITE it.

Back then, ‘though, I practically lived online. Insane. Back when I was a gamer too, and had taught myself a little html, and knew all the lingo… I fit in quite nicely in the e-world. I was a “reg” in several rooms across the net... a triumph, in my young, lonely eyes. I was even subject to (what I now suspect was) "grooming" (but was far too shy for it to ever have worked - haha.)

Then I suddenly got a life (IRL) and all changed.

Now, even with Twittering, FB and blogging sparsely… it’s NOTHING to the hours, days, months I accumulated in various chatrooms, online forums, etc. Now I almost feel like a tourist or something. I’m only ever just passing through. The only on-line communities I’m part of are made up of real-life communities and friends (apart from blogging, which I really, really wish I had more time to give to - but I don't at the moment. Must make more time...)

And a part of me might miss those square-eyed sessions, telling strangers what I could tell no one else and knowing it’d never matter… There's something lovely about that. But...

Me and the net have grown apart. Gone our separate ways. And, like with many old, faded friendships; I don’t recognise it anymore. We still talk, but… well, y’know.
I suppose, this, where I am now, is the real triumph.

Clumsy? Me?

After a nice new year's dinner with parents and couple of family friends, sitting around playing pictionary. (Cute!) I pour myself a glass of wine (my FIRST) and take a sip. Then it's our turn.

I reach for a pencil... and my elbow grazes my glass, making it wobble slightly.

Panicked, my cat-like reflexes kick in and I lunge to grab for it... swinging it off the table with the back of my hand. On my second attempt I sorta swing an upper-cut at it in mid-air, making it spin and splatter all over my sister, before it crashes to the ground.

Slick.
And I couldn't even blame the wine as I hadn't but a small sip drank.

I can only hope my reflexes are as quick if I'm ever attacked. I'll spot the villain wobbling out the corner of my eye, and have him dazed on the ground in seconds.

On the other hand...if a friend was ever to slip suddenly, say, and I end up back-handing and thwacking them in the face...that would be less helpful.

Numb

Watching stupid top kerrang hits of the '00s. I forgot how in love with this song I was.

Released 2003?
Impossible.

Hear about Rage getting the Christmas #1 in Britain? (#2 in Ireland - we're just less cool, I guess! Still, wouldn't it be AMAZING if it were included on all the christmas compilation albums from now on? hehe. Also, apparently sweet li'l Joe was "delighted" to have reached the "New Year's No.1" in Britain. Smiles and publicity. Wait, I'm sorry, but I've never, ever, EVER heard talk of a new year's chart before......)

Aaaanyway... at a recent (brilliant) house party, had an argument with a canadian guy over when rage's masterpiece originally come out/was popular.

"It's funny how it got big around the time of the twin towers.. there's more to that than people realise, I think," says he..

"No dude... It was out WAY before then. I remember listening to it when I was 14"

"Uh, Yeah! In 2001, right?"

I thought for a secs......
"Fuck..."

Ok, the dude was still COMPELTELY wrong* and a bit of a conspiracy loon, but the point is, I can't believe how long ago that was. Watching the planes on TV. 8'n'a bit years ago!? Insane.

Time does fly.

*('twas released on MY BIRTHDAY back in '92, fyi! ^_^)

Holidays

The longest I've been home in about a year and a half. Any not nearly long enough. Never enough time!

New Years.... what to do with it. Tbh, I'd almost stay in; it's too much hassle dressing up for a letdown. Still...could be fun.
Aaah, I'll find something. Creeping up quicker than expected, 'though. Best get act together. Get organised. Hurry.





How the hell do people decide what's important? Priorities... What's important to me? Everything! I want everything.
There just isn't enough time in this life for everything.

My mum didn't find her career for a very, very long time. I'll probably end up the same. Which is ok.

Oh just stop worrying and enjoy it for Christ's sake.

Speak of the devil!

RE: last post

OMG, loike! Thanks to an ol' buddy of mine I found one of those typical (and absolutely enthralling) trashy internet arguments I was JUST talking about! (And it's a good one.)

Come on in, the bullshit's steaming!

^_^

Coursework... yeah...

I'm meant to be working on an important, scary, nowhere-NEAR-finished presentation (which, by the way, is to be ready, rehearsed, and really impressive... BY TOMORROW)

I got sidetracked. And I'm finding some absolute e-gold. E-xcellent.

This ('though an old vid) made me snort with laughter:



This is amazing, and in Dublin! Look at the rest too. No joke. They're class.




One of the other protesty pics caught my eye;
"Huh... a protest against video games?"
Intrigued, went to find out who the mentallers were...
*gasp* It was EA! Staging a fake protest! Scannal! Couldn't effing believe it. And had a good laugh at this, which has a little bit about the aftermath...
And, on that page, I rambled down to the comments... And remembered why I love the internet.
I mean, look at that mad angry argument!

Reading through it, found this super-snarky gem:

"Hey guys, there's a whole lot of scholarship on this issue. You might want to peruse some of it - you know, the parts that aren't in make-you-feel-better-for-being-a-smart-atheist documentary form - before making wild irrelevant generalizations.

And the cross is an "ancient death symbol?" Yeah, no shit, because they fucking nailed people to them."

The same extremist, to-and-fro arguments break out on a billion threads every day. Everyone on the net is up for a fight. Imagine real life being as volatile... everyone would have to be drunk all the time or something...
And, ok, this story was bound, obviously, to start such. I understand that...
But how did THIS cutsey thing get a vicious political debate started?

Really?

See?

This is exactly why I've been so reluctant to buy a wireless USB thingie.
True, it makes college work easier, email more accessible, saves on paying for internet cafes... all very good, yes?

Ah, but you see... it's 4am... and here I am.

I've been googling the Dublin Hellfire Club* (freaky shit right there), as a dude in work has organised a trip there late this Friday. Eep.

At least two of the lads are going dressed as ghostbusters. Hell yeah.

Shhh - Yes I know I have college stuff, and the play, and all that jazz, but dya honestly think this is something I was gonna miss?




*why that link? well, it's the first article i read that really sparked a thirst for more. wikipedia's too dry-shite-y and reasonable - it's the hearsay and crap that makes this ooggy-boogy stuff fun.

Frazzled

Working on my law assignment, got a text from a classmate asking what time tomorrow it was due... (it's 2am, so by tomorrow I mean today)

Here's the jist of the answer he got;

I can't be sure.. all the handout says is "on or before Wednesday 25th", but it then goes on to say that "late submissions will be penalised as per the Course Handbook", which suggests the deadline must be what the course handbook defines it as, ie. 4pm on the given date. But you could probably argue that it was unclear.

Hmm. Can you tell I've been reading effing law stuff for the last few days..?

Yesterday

Late evening, I stepped outside work for a quick smoke in the peace, cold, dark... watching nothing of interest. I thought about how this was my last day being 21 - just hours to go - and smiled.

All I did yesterday was what I normally do. Sleep in; late and rushing. Messy hair. College. Lunch on the run. Hour of two in the pub with a friend I don't see enough of. Work. Make tea and coffee for bright-eyed foghlaimeoiri (oblivious to the putrid grudges and politics in the place), and serve them smilingly while sipping one of my thickest, soupiest coffees. Home to play Xbox with my housemate and a can or two. Out for "one" to "celebrate". Fast food. Had a look at my diary - deadlines, meetings... bullshit. Late to bed.

Fairly routine... dotted with plenty of solitary cigarettes - one of my favourite ways to break up any day. 3 minutes (almost to the second) to myself, my breathing, my nicotine.

Not the most special day to anyone else - but to me it was perfect.

All I wanted to do... was what I always do. On my last, lovely day being 21.

It gets overwhelming sometimes, but fuck it. I've got it pretty good.

Mar fhocal scoir...

I’m sorry.

I was stupid. The first time, I guess those silly cries for attention were… well… exactly that. Another time, another place; a bad place. Pathetic, really, but fitting. Because I was pretty pathetic.

The second time… well, I never thought I’d resort to such childishness again. I’ve never acted like that before. Pathetic. But, I guess, “drunk me” (the “me” who sometimes fights the rest of me) was crying out… for attention? A desperate attempt, maybe, to admit that I really cared. ‘Cos, God knows, I’d never admit it sober. Or even drunk, it seems. Instead, I tried to obscure it – the urge to send, do, say something was too strong – so I tried to mask it with “accidental” nonsense. Pathetic.

My biggest problem was that I never trusted you. Not for a second. I wanted to, but, after every good night, good conversation, I’d go home and sleep would escape me. I couldn’t just enjoy it. I poisoned it, and my memory of it all, with doubt and fear. (Ugh, this is sounding awfully sappy)
Maybe that’s why I wanted to drag those times out for hours longer than made sense. Maybe I wasn’t fair; I forgave – or, said I did – but I didn’t, couldn’t, forget. I should have tried harder to – as someone who called myself a friend.

I don’t care, though. I don’t think either of us have anything to be ashamed of.

We’re, arguably, as much of a mess as each other… sometimes.

I wasn’t angry for long. Then I, successfully, convinced myself I still was. And, when that wore off, I was just a little sad. It’d be nice to keep in touch. So, here it is. Hope you’re well. Doubt you’ll read this, but, if you do, think about it.

It’s be nice to be real friends, like we used to imagine we were.

Longevity

Been neglecting this li'l blog o' mine recently... like everything else. This weird obsession I've had with being busy busy busy - filling every second - getting involved and getting overwhelmed and revelling in it - has passed. Finally. After, what, two years?

Bad timing, considering I'm now in final year. Obsessive motivation would be very helpful right now. But other things are more important. Slowly realising that, so I am.

But, whatever. Like every year, this year will pass - too quickly - and I'll look back on it and wonder why I stressed about it all.

Had a funny conversation with my housemate, and old schoolfriend, today. About long-term relationships - and lack thereof. It's funny, having HAD long-term relationships is seen as a good thing, usually. Having never had one is "worrying". Can't commit. Can't make it work. No stamina? Blah.

I can't imagine why it's seen so negatively. Spending 3, 4, 5 years with a person - just to find out they were wrong for you anyway and that it was, essentially, a waste of both of your time, isn't something to brag about. It's fine. It happens. It's not a sign of a person being any more reliable or committal than any other.

My housemate/schoolfriend sometimes bemoans having never had one. Ridiculous. I've only had one, and, despite the fact it had a huge, interesting, devastating, enriching, and eye-opening effect on me, and my life... I've honestly, arguably, learned more from the shorter ones.

The ones that've lasted an hour and half.
The ones that've lasted two dates (if even).
Two weeks.
Two months.
What have you!

It's no harm - and no measure of a person - to have never had a long-term "thing". It happens, it's life, and it's fairly unremarkable, really... and mostly up to chance, or mistakes (which can indeed happen to even the most discerning daters.)

It's no more remarkable, in fact, than a person who jumps from one long-term thing to the next, with mere hours between (you know who you are!) It's not a badge of honour. Neither bad, nor good. Just the way it is.

Just saying....

Go outside... Taste the air!

Winter's here! :D I stepped outside and got a rush of energy - just breathed it in. Memories of last winter and Christmas filled my head. I love the winter air; it's so pure and fresh and life-giving. There's a change in everything today. Just the lift I needed. I feel way more positive than I did this morning.

Spent the day doing some housework and reading my notes and thinking about all the horrible things I have to do for college this year. Felt really overwhelmed...

Not now, 'though. This is my favourite time of year - MY time of year. My lungs, my mind, my world feels clearer. (My room too, thanks to a good clean-up.)

It's almost like being at the seaside - or out on an Island. Good air. Every year I forget how good I feel in winter - then it just hits me like this. Cool surprise. :) (again!)

HOW did I miss this?

National Punctuation Day was yesterday. There I was, raising my drink to Arthur (and parsnips..), when I should have also saved a toast for this wonderful, noble holiday. My new favourite holiday, in fact. 'Till Halloween, at least. (If it even lasts that long...)

I was reading an award-winning novel the other day and there were countless, blatant mistakes that really took from the story. It's hard to concentrate and lose yourself in the text when you come across a sentence that must be re-read. Shame. Great story.

This is it, though; great writers aren't necessarily great editors...
And vice-versa.

Being back in college is weird. It'll be a while before I get back into this internet obsession thing. I shook it off over the summer but it's coming back, I think. Means I'll spend more time here.

Probably not, 'though... I'll be quite busy this year. Scared? Nah. Projects seem doable. Altogether I've come up with about 30 different ideas; between dissertation ideas, radio package ideas, articles, etc... I need one good idea for each assignment. All different. All I've come up with to date are... well... shit.

Terrible. Rubbish. But, there's 30 of them. And the more shitty ones I come up with, the closer I get to the good ones. Maybe I could even dust off some old ideas, or really twist and mould these shit ones into something resembling a possibility.

We'll see.

Rough night ahead. Long story. Wishing for a migraine to get me out of it... No luck so far. Fuckers are never around when I need them. And I pulled enough fake ones in secondary school to know it's not worth it - people stop taking you seriously and you end up in HELL when you DO get an attack and no one accepts your excuses, or has any sympathy.

Did I hear that right?

I think Lenihan said there that the property/land/assets/whatever only has to rise by 10% over the next 10 years in order for NAMA to break even...

Well... that doesn't sound too bad.

Still, 'though - I do not trust it.

A funny doomed feeling..

Watching the NAMA thing in the Dail on telly - stressful. Not able for it, but can't look away. Between this and Lisbon 2, I've got an awfully sickly sinking feeling - but all I can do is watch as it all goes to pot. A lot of talk going on, all quite hopeless to be honest.

Christ. Recessions happen! It's natural; crap, and tough, but natural. The economy ebbs and flows and none of this knee-jerk panic is going to help - this bizarre plan is insane, and too risky to justify. Yet I'm listening to the bastards try and fail at doing just that... and wondering how they sleep.

I s'pose Cowen probably drinks himself into a coma, his huge red nose swelling with saturation, and whatever guilt he SHOULD feel, numbed. My mum said she feels sorry for him - Bertie having landed him in this, and all. But, I'm sorry, who was the Finance Minister under Bertie, again? Rudolf himself.

Anyone else up for a sesh on Lisbon night? Either to celebrate or mourn - whichever.

"May you live in interesting times..."


Bollox.

Stop asking me my "Plan" for next year...

There's a smell of silage in this e-cafe. ick.

Lots of little things that've happened over the summer have gotten me thinking - hard - about what I wanna do. It also helps that people are constantly aaasking...

Well, what I mean is, what I wanna do in the future. I know EXACTLY what I wanna do NOW...

Right now, I wanna mess around and enjoy my days - and I have been. A lot!
I wanna hold on and embrace the playful, spontaneous attitude that abandoned me for a while until, recently, resurfacing and making everything more fun again.
I went to the pharmacy the other day and came back with a painting - well, a print of a photo - which I hung on my wall. It's arguably the most pointless waste of money I've ever bought but, now, is my absolute pride and joy. It's a lovely scene from Dún Chaoin in Kerry. Best bit is, I've BEEN there - I remember passing that exact spot and going, wow, I'd LOVE to take a picture that captures just how vertigo-y and awe-smacking this sight is. And this photographer did just that. Lovely. (Handy.)

I'm so chilled lately. Call me crazy, but I put it down to quitting drinking Coke! I did drink an atrocious amount, y'know... and it was fucking with my insides sumthin' AWful...

Maybe it's more than that.

Anyway...all ramblings aside - what I wanna do next year when I finish college is a mystery. Why? Because I wanna do exactly as I'm doing now. Keep letting things happen, taking stupid chances and getting involved in weird shit and reaping the benefits. Call it luck, call it balls, call it life, but I've always gotten what I wanted - well, I've not always know what that was until it came around, but basically I've always landed on my feet.

My plan for when I finish college? Roll with it. Follow the flow. Do EXACTLY what I've always done - which is, NOT make a plan. Just see.

It usually works.

And the best decisions are the ones made at the last minute.

Sure, that's the sole reason I'm sitting here right now.. Grafton St.'s extortionate little e-cafe, on a mediocre Dublin day, after work in Spex's, checking my timetable for my final year - starting this day fortnight. (Journalism, of all things - what was I thinking?)

(Exactly.)

Clarity?

Well, clarity is probably, definitely, the wrong word... But I'm suddenly thinking differently - and seeing things... differently. It's weird. And I wonder will it last, or is it just shock. If it lasts... then... well, that's gonna be weird.

How much can a person take? Could it have been anyone? What happened? Of all the little things, which was the straw?
Which word was it? Which breath broke it? Which piece last fit... and finished him?
I can think of other people far more likely than him. And they'll live lovely long lives. (Please God) Wait, no! Not that they're LIKELY.. Jesus, no! ..but, at least, I could've made some sense of it... if... oh I dunno.

How can I keep doing what I'm doing when I can't bear to turn out like them? The vampiric scum with their gaunt faces and greedy eyes and their cameras bulging from their anoraks, snapping at us from the church gate... Straining to see over the crowd... Reading the latest, it's clear one or two had the nerve to come inside.

And I think about friends I've lost touch with - taking for granted that I'll never speak to them again. Shit, like - I'd kick myself if something happened to them and I'd left things as they were.... but will i do anything about it? Will they? No. That's not how it works. (I wish it was.)

People always say what a shame it is that we only seem to come together at funerals.
"It's ridiculous - we should organise something soon!"
But it doesn't happen.... 'Till someone else dies.

All the time people say Life is Short - people don't really let it sink in, 'though. Those are heavy words if you really listen to them.

Rrrrrrgh. Rough morning. Home. Bed. Enough already.

I'll do the college thing tomorrow.

Relief

So, as expected, the vultures had the church surrounded... and if there's a picture of the dirty look I gave them in the paper tomorrow, then, so be it... Damn those shameless fuckers.

But it'll be yesterday's news tomorrow, and the family can - hopefully - have some well-needed rest.

It's a shit of a thing to happen.

It's funny - until the priest said it today, I had COMPLETELY forgotten about the charity box at his 21st last year. How could I forget? Rather than presents, drinks, etc, all he wanted was for people to throw a few bob - a small donation - into a charity box by the door. Sweetheart.

Hearing people talk about him made me feel a little better. Especially that girl - who'd been talking to the girl in hospital - who'd said He wasn't himself. The person who came into the house was NOT him. And if SHE can say that, and forgive him, then... that settles it.

I'm not sure what to do with myself for the rest of the day. Home. Bed. I dunno. For now I'm online. There WAS a good reason - I'm sure of it - but, instead of whatever it was, I've been poking around Youtube, and googling news reports, and obsessing (and raging) about them, and generally wasting time.

Oh yeah, that was it; I was meant to check my college email.